Yesterdays AWESOME!

Yesterday was kind of the best day ever.

After months of praying, my prayers have been answered and I pretty much have a plan of how to go about improving my life. I’m SO happy!!

So my workday was hectic but I survived. I had the good news to carry me through. I got home and played D&D with some friends. (yes, I’m that chick and I’m cute!) And I had sex for the first time in the almost 2 months since Patrick left.

Now, let me clarify. I am not a generally promiscuous woman. I go into things level headed and safely but last night I needed to remember why it is I used to be so sexually confident. I needed to remember that I’m desirable as a woman and not just as a friend. And, quite frankly, I just needed the physicality of it.

When Patrick left it was a shock to me at first, but the third night I was alone in my home, walking around in my pajamas, I found myself laughing out loud. Rather than feel depressed, I felt this amazing sense of freedom!

This shouldn’t suggest that I didn’t miss him. I still do occasionally, but the largest part of my being knows I’m better off. I’d become a slave without realizing it and I was miserable. I felt like I was raising my boyfriend instead of being helped by him. To go from that feeling 24 hours a day to not feeling it at all is an IMMENSE feeling of relief, joy, and freedom!

So, in the end, I’m rediscovering myself and remembering why I don’t need a man to complete me. I learned a lesson from Patrick, the lesson of letting go. I knew he wasn’t what I needed when he came and was so immature. I should have let him leave 2 months later when he pulled a childish fit and said he wanted to go, but I didn’t. I wanted to keep trying convinced that things would change. They never did. I’ve learned that, too. Even if you want someone to change, they probably won’t. So it seems Patrick was a big opportunity for learning in my life. I only hope I learn the lessons well.

Politics vs. Capitalism 2

You know, that title from yesterday got me thinking about the general state of politics in today’s society. I’ve seen so many people against the so called Tea Party and I can’t quite figure out why. The main thing I keep seeing is fiscal responsibility as a platform and I’m thinking to myself “How can this be a bad thing?” Sure, there might be fruit loops among the bunch but name one group, anywhere, where that isn’t true. I dare you!

So, I’m pretty upset about the state of politics in America. It seems like the big money buys the election. Why is that so? Shouldn’t runners win on their own merits instead of the merits of slander and sleaze? I don’t see any ads saying “vote for me because I’m this really good guy.” Instead, I see ads saying “don’t vote for the other guy cause he’s an a-hole.” (or something similar.) Seems to me this mentality of money + douchebag = winner is the incorrect way of thinking.

I mean, if I were in charge of things, I’d do it differently. I’d ban all special interest and corporate funding. I’d ban bad ethics advertising. Let people do their own research. People say that in order to be a true democracy, everyone should be made to vote. I say that uneducated voting is just as sad and potentially dangerous. I’d say an oligarchy is a viable alternative but when oligarchy(s) (I’m sure I spelled that wrong) establish themselves, things have the potential to go very wrong. The sad truth of the matter is that if you give a group power, they’ll find a way to exploit it and lord it over those without power. Think “Animal Farm” Or, hell, even apartheid.

As it stands, now, those with money are the new power. They throw their millions around and everyone flocks to see them. Back in the 1800s you could literally buy a noble title with enough money. It wasn’t a standard transaction like going to Costco and picking up the “Nobility” card from the shelf to take to the front, but it was a transaction nonetheless. In today’s society it’s the same thing. We glorify those people that do very little (actors, athletes, etc). Making 20 million per picture or even 1 million per picture is a bit excessive even if it films over the course of a year. Same thing with athletes.

But, I digress.

The reality is that elections are more or less moot points. Bush proved it with his whole recount debacle. Money is the power and most people won’t try to do anything abut it.

Politics vs. Capitalism

So, elections are coming up soon and there’s one issue I’m torn about. In Washington, all hard alcohol is sold in state run liquor stores. There’s an initiative up to expand liquor sales to grocery and convenience stores. And, honestly, I don’t have the slightest clue on how to vote. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I have good reasons for both sides.

On the one hand, having liquor available at more locations with better hours would be amazingly convenient. Also, they’d introduce competition among stores and liquor prices wouldn’t be as ridiculously expensive as they are in the state run stores.

On the other hand, teens are teens and they think it’s cool to drink and will try to take advantage of liquor being more readily available. And if teens want to get liquor, they will. It’s next to impossible in the state run stores for that to happen. Also, the state run stores bring in much needed tax money to the state to fund programs essential to our well being. If liquor was outsourced to other stores, we’d lose this tax money revenue.

Decisions, decisions…and I’m not even a drinker.

The ABCs Of Me

A – I am, joyfully, an Auntie! I have 2 ADORABLE nieces (ages 15 mo and almost 3 respectively), and 3 Nephews (ages 8, 10, and 13). Being an Auntie is one of the most rewarding things in my life.

B – I live in Bellevue, WA

C – I have 2 cats – Artemis and Bunni

D – Driving is my zen state of being. Or, you know, I suffer from road rage…but driving down a dark, desert highway (doesn’t a song start like that?) in California is my happy place!

E – I love to Eat!! Well, and to cook, too.

F – I’m kind of a foodie, which suits the Northwest just fine!

G – My heritage is mostly German but my family doesn’t much keep with the customs of the culture.

H – I was a kind of terror in high school. I spent more time out of class than in and still managed good grades.

I – I still have a pretty active imagination which helps when I want to do some creative writing.

J – I love pretty much all things Jhonen Vasquez.

K – I used to go karaokeing all the time!

L – I’m kind of a last minute girl. I procrastinate more than I should.

M – I’ve always wanted to hear Mass said in Latin.

N – Nightmare Before Christmas is my FAVORITE movie of all time! Yay Jack!

O – I enjoy being really outgoing. I have one of those open personalities when you get me comfortable in a group.

P – I am a pretty dedicated poet. I have several works I’ve posted various places and I’ve also got some award winners under my belt.

Q – I’m dreadfully quiet around new people. The shyness lasts a while, sometimes, until I feel comfortable and then I’m outgoing.

R – I am a roleplayer (tabletop, online, etc). Yes, it’s a nerdy past time, but I like it!

S – I occasionally write my own songs.

T – Tim Burton is my HERO!

U – Underneath my exterior is someone slightly vulnerable.

V – My sister’s vegetarian tacos changed my life! They are the yummiest thing I’ve ever eaten…I beg her to make them every time I visit!

W – I love my Wii!!! It’s my favorite gaming system!!

X – ((really, I got nothing))

Y – One of my other guilty pleasures is watching all the zany crap on Youtube.

Z – I very much believe in the art of being Zen.

Sex and the School Girl

Ok, so I’m not talking about having sex as a schoolgirl. I mean, when I lost my virginity I was 18 and of a school age but I was about 2 months from graduation or less and very much my own person. But a friend of mine and I were having the sex talk last night and it got me thinking about my own personal sexual history and the people that I met along the way.

I have to say, even after all these years that Brian was my favorite sexual partner. He and I met when I was 19 and didn’t actually ever sleep together until about 2 or 3 years later. I still remember the night pretty clearly. We’d spent time walking and talking and went back to his house and talked some more. Before long I was straddling his lap and we were kissing (which we’d done before) I don’t remember who initiated the decision to cross the last line between us but whoever it was did the right thing.

When we finally came together it was like lightning. I memorized him with hands and lips and skin as he did with me. The more I knew, the more I wanted to know and doing this with him induced a feeling in me that I couldn’t ever get enough. All the years of anticipation, all the teasing and things unfulfilled between us, it served as an appetizer and I was finally feasting on the main course. It didn’t matter what we did or for how long. Time melted away. Once wasn’t enough. Nor twice. We got caught by a visiting relative (being in the living room) and even that didn’t damper our desire. Everytime we finished to put on our clothing we only ended up coming together again a short time later. And that was only the first night.

I was lucky with Brian in a lot of ways. He was one of my first partners, someone I really enjoyed being with. I was lucky in that I felt comfortable enough with him to explore a lot of my hidden desires. I knew I could ask him for anything and not be judged for it. And because of that we did a lot of things I’d always wanted to try but was too scared to ask for in previous partners. From him I got a pretty good idea of what it was I wanted and what I liked and didn’t like as much. I still did things with him I haven’t done with anyone else.

I was lucky with other partners, too. I had people I was with that helped me see different aspects of my life. Not everyone offered a unique look or level in my sex life, but since I’m pretty picky I always chose people I knew enough to trust.

Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. Now that I’m older I realized that it doesn’t take the same amount of work to attract my attention anymore. I’m older, have done what it was I wanted to do in my wild youth and now it’s harder work to get me where I used to be. Brian was lucky in that all he had to do was touch me and I was on fire. He never really had to work at getting me in the mood and he was before I started faking orgasms occasionally just to make the other person feel better. (All in all, I’m a hard person to get off.)

These days I really don’t find my sex drive diminished except in the times where I don’t have a boyfriend or dedicated partner (and those are pretty hard for me to get…as I said, I’m picky). The problem is that since there’s nothing new to explore for me sexually, it’s harder to arouse my interest. I mean, you have the new period, the part where the sexual aspect of the relationship is new, exciting, and shiny but that fades in time and I’m left back at the same place. It takes more to get the same response. I suppose it’s like a drug that way. The more you have the less it effects you as time goes on.

Sexually speaking, then, I must need someone who can push me and make me do more than I think I can. I also need someone who’s very much like me in a lot of ways. Someone who enjoys giving as much as I do and someone who enjoys the same things as I do. And please, dear God, someone CREATIVE. (yes, Brian spoiled me a bit in that department. I hardly had to mention doing so before slipping into a character and God bless him, he followed along without even skipping a beat.)

My new understanding of my sexual self is both gratifying and somewhat depressing. After you explore all of these fantasies, where do you go from there? I’m grateful to know myself but I’m wondering if I can find the sort of sexual partner I desire. If you believe in soul mates (and I’m not sure I do anymore) then of course I’ll find the man of my dreams emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. Or perhaps I’ll have to start getting used the the idea that having wonderful and gratifying sex into senility is a nice wish but unrealistic.

The Great Online Debate

You know what I really hate? Debating things with people online.

Everyone who talks/argues online falls into one of 3 categories: the smart (like moi), the people that assume they’re smart, and the people who say the most sensational thing they can think of to get attention. Needless to say, the last category is the most immature and the second category is the most pathetic.

Now, there have been some debates I’ve had online and in forums that I’ve really enjoyed because they made me think, changed my mind, or really made me work to illustrate my point. But, by and large, the people I debate with usually fall into the latter two categories. The immature people are easy to ignore. You make a good point and then they start throwing around insults. This makes it very easy to simply cut off the conversation. My biggest problems are the people from the second category.

Now, I don’t know everything and I try not to get personally invested in a debate. I enjoy playing the Devil’s Advocate and my main goal is not to win but simply to make people think. If they retain their beliefs, it’s fine. If they learn something, so much the better.

I’ve found, though, that formatting my arguments is usually a waste of time. The way I understand debate is to take the competitor’s argument and counter it with points contrary to theirs and support your stance with evidence. Seems like a logical way to argue, really. Everything is supported. But when I’m in the forums, I find people that don’t support their claims with facts and don’t even bother with anything more than opinion. And, when cornered by logic, begin a personal attack on whoever is making the sense.

*sigh*

When will I learn that there’s a difference between Devil’s Advocate and Glutton for Punishment?

Pregnancy and Friendship

So I found out recently that a friend of mine and her husband are expecting another child and had planned for it. Normally, this would not bother me in the slightest until I considered the friend. The friend in question has been my friend since high school. She is a raving co-dependant and coupled up with this much older (12 years I think) guy when he got her pregnant. Since then they have 2 very beautiful little girls that are school age.

Now my problem is this. On their facebook sites I’m always seeing my friend complaining about finances. She’s talking about having no food in the house but she can’t go grocery shopping until her husband comes home with the advance on his pay. Or she tells everyone that their phone is getting turned off for a few days but they can still manage to play WoW or, later, City of Villains. Both are MMORPGs and carry a monthly subscription fee.

Now, I’ve known my friend was pregnant for a while and sat on the knowledge without saying a word for a LONG time. But finally, the topic was brought up last night and I said how I felt. She must have told her husband because the next thing I know he’s spouting off on his Facebook asking why people have to be concerned about their business. Everyone, not just me, told him that they were concerned about the family finances.

To me, it’s just selfishness. They planned for a baby because they wanted to have one but they didn’t plan for it in any way other than not being surprised when she turned up pregnant. They didn’t talk about their finances. They didn’t talk about living spaces. They didn’t talk about anything that most normal people talk about in the planning stages of a new life. They assume WIC and Welfare will get them through. And, you know, it may but how fair is that that people who work hard contribute have to their irresponsibility??

Anyway, it’s gotten me upset but if I’m not their friend for expressing real concerns about bringing a life into the world in their financial condition, then I’ll never be a good friend to them. Good friends don’t keep their mouths shut when they see something wrong. They tell the truth even at the risk of upsetting their friends because they want to help their friends see what they see. The people that stay silent don’t really care.

Day 56 - 309 Days to Go

Oven Fried Chicken

So I’m finally getting to run this Werewolf : The Apocalypse game I’ve been thinking of for many many years now. For those of you that don’t know, Werewolf is a tabletop RPG with dice, paper, etc. Yes, I’m that chick.

I had the first half of the group come on Saturday night to build characters and talk about the campaign. The rest of the group came Sunday night. We got a lot done but I think James is going to be a problem. Whenever someone asks a question he pipes up with an answer, even if I was thinking something different as the person running the game. While, on one hand it’ll be helpful to have someone that remembers the rules clearly, it’s also going to be frustrating to try and assert my dominance (so to speak) as the GM.

It was a long, tiring weekend but worth the effort. My kitchen is still trashed and I’m afraid. I want to clean it up tonight but I’ve just been so darn tired!! I went to Kathy’s and had Ken’s oven friend chicken. It was weird, seeing him for the first time after learning he was ill. He doesn’t seem sick but then again I’m not him and can’t feel what he’s feeling. I gave him plenty of hugs.

I know it may be selfish but I’m really concerned for how I’m going to handle this. It’s not that losing Ken is going to be as hard on me as it is on Kathy but I’m going to be losing him and watching Kathy lose her husband and quite frankly, it just keeps taking me back to losing my grandfather and how it was to see him wasting away. Kathy is one of my best friends and I genuinely love her. My heart aches that she and Ken are going through this. But, then, I’m being pessimistic. They may have caught the cancer early enough. You never can tell.

Right now we’re all just praying as hard as we know how to pray.

Day 55 - 310 Days to Go

Busy Day

So, James and his group of roleplayers came over tonight to make characters. We got some things done and I’m thinking this is going to be a once a month game which is fine. So many people taking over the house with kids and such is going to make me nervous as it is.

Most of James’s group seems nice enough. They all were agreeable and I didn’t say much. We ended up more watching movies with casual game discussion than full out character creation. We watched The Princess and the Frog and discussed the implications of the movie and Disney in general. We also watched Dr. Horrible as a majority of the people in the room hadn’t seen it. Everyone left by about 8:30 and I was happy for it. Between the business yesterday, today, a lack of sleep and work tomorrow…I’m bushed.

Even so, now, two hours later I’m writing this blog…sometimes I don’t get myself. It’s like being so tired at work you’re nodding off but then being wired the moment you get off of work.

And, for some reason, this whole experience has gotten me back into wanting to find online roleplay so I’ve been searching Yahoo the past few nights to very little success. Mostly people asking me to cyber some gross/illegal/immoral thing with them which I refuse to do and then they get all mean and I block them. But I’ve found a few people that seem worthwhile to talk to/roleplay with so maybe the time is worth it. Either way, it’s been nice to be able to use my time as I see fit instead of fitting it into someone else’s schedule. I never had that with Patrick.

Day 54 - 311 Days to Go

Saturday Night Pep Talk

So tonight Shawn and David came over with Anika. Their former roommate, Trey, came with them. It was a fun night trying to get into the game at hand and making characters. Shawn’s wolf was pretty easy to make. Trey may take some time with his Ratkin and David and his mageling will take the most amount of time. So far as I can tell, it hasn’t ever been done.

So my main problem as it has been for a little while is that I find myself attracted to a friend’s husband. This isn’t much like me. The last time I found myself in this predicament I did nothing about it for four years until it went away. And these friends, in particular, I’d never do anything to mess with. They have a good family going and don’t need anything getting in the way of that. I can acknowledge these feelings but I refuse to be *that* chick.

The thing is and I don’t know if I’m mis-reading the signs but I feel like he may be interested as well. Now, I know they’re notorious flirts and maybe that’s all this is. I like to flirt, too. But generally know the difference between the feelings. Of course, I’ve been wrong before and won’t ever allow myself to find out even if it comes up. Like I said, I don’t want to be that chick.

Their kids call me auntie. And I love them as a couple. I also know I’m a bit lonely just coming out of my relationship with Patrick. I guess the main thing is the guilt for even thinking this way. *head desk* I swear, I don’t know why my head thinks this way sometimes. I really don’t. I even met a really nice guy that I’m getting together with tomorrow for a lunch date thing.

C’mon, Lauren. You’re getting your life on track. Don’t fuck it up now.

Day 53 - 312 Days to go

C'mon Weekend!!

So today is slow and lingering. It’s raining today so that’s something but work is seeming to drag on FOREVER. It figures. When you’re nodding off at your desk you can count of finding the perfect cure for that when you could presumably take a nap. FML sometimes.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. It’s going to be full but I can at least clean up from Wayne’s visit. I let the housework go to hell while he was here. I didn’t mind, I was happy to have him here but now that I see things a bit more clearly I can see what a mess it is. I’m not liking it. When, exactly, did I turn into a cleaning lady?? Like, I’m compelled to clean my apartment now whenever I see the slightest thing out of place. I’m totally that chick.

Sod it all and hurry up 5 o’clock.

Day 52 - 313 Days to Go

Instant Gratification Society...

So this is part three of my ranting series. For those of you still with me, I congratulate you!

You know, I’m a fan of technology, I really am. The invention of the wheel? Genius! The advent of steam engines? Freakin outstanding! Computers? I’m your gal!!

What I’m not such a big fan of is technology gone lazy.

Fast food restaurants? Not so much. Microwaves? Oh, heavens no!

You see, there’s a difference between convenient and lazy. We are a society that’s become comfortable with laziness. We drive through a fast food joint instead of cooking a healthy meal. We buy fat pills to counteract the fast food instead of working our asses off (literally) with exercise. No matter what it is you want, chances are you can find it with a few pressed buttons. Food, entertainment, sex…it’s all at your fingertips with a minimal wait time. Is it usually a cheap substitute of what you want? Well, yeah, but we put up with it for convenience’s sake.

The more I’m learning about life, the more I’m coming to hate these “conveniences.”

Now, I’m guilty of it, too. There are things I could do the hard way that I choose not to do because it’s easier to do something else instead. I go to subway for lunch when I didn’t make my own. I pick a movie out on Netflix instead of trying to be creative on my own and develop some of the projects I’ve been working on. I even sit in front of my computer some Saturdays talking to people I don’t really know instead of cleaning my apartment (which should in no way suggest I tolerate a dirty apartment…I just feel lazy some Saturday mornings).

What child needs a cell phone? What adult for that matter? If you want to be “in touch” so badly with your friends that you need internet on your phone then why not stop by or call them? Seriously?

And then I see parents who are neglectful of their children’s needs for their own gain. Maybe some parents don’t have the time. Maybe some parents don’t make the time. Maybe some parents don’t know how to be good parents?

Day 51 - 314 Days to Go

Yahoo Chats and Children

As someone relatively familiar with the internet, I have used Yahoo IM for the better part of 10 years. Part of that, I’ve also become very familiar with Yahoo chat as well.

Now, for those of you that might remember, Yahoo chat used to have user created rooms. They could be anything and the people that came into them were very sociable and, you’d assume, shared an interest of yours. For a long time I was very active in the roleplaying rooms with my friend from high school, Kayla. She and I through our alternate personas scandalized the roleplaying community as sort of tag team terrorists.

We never did anything mean or abusive but we were more than comfortable picking a target and making things very fun and interesting for them. The extent of our roleplaying skill, at the time, was little more than putting actions in ** and speaking outside the **. Very confusing but at the time we didn’t know any better. We blended in with the other roleplayers and did our best to have as much fun as possible.

Yahoo chat no longer has user rooms. Why, you may ask? Well, there are two reasons from what I can understand.

1. Parents have ceased to be parents. And
2. The advertisers reacted to parents not being parents.

Now, as someone who is not a parent myself, I know this may come off a bit wrong. However, I am an aunt and I believe in adult accountability for their children. Children learn bad behavior. They aren’t born into it.

Anyway, the point of the matter is that user rooms were disabled on yahoo when advertisers threatened to walk away because they didn’t want to be associated with a premise where children created “10-12 year old sex chat” and “The Rapist’s Alley” or whatever perverted thing they decided to make. I was almost 20 at the time just before they banned user rooms and in horror I’d watch some of these chats and the things kids would say. Were they real children? I don’t know. Of all the people in the chat room and their level of literacy, I tend to think at least some of them were.

What I want to know is, and I’ve said it a million times, where the hell were the parents? How is it in the computer age that parents still don’t think to monitor what their children are seeing or doing online? Have the reports of computer stalking, information sharing, etc done nothing to tell these adults that they should watch their children and keep track of activity? Doesn’t it scare them that children, small children, are trying to experience sexuality in a vicarious way?

But this hooks into my thesis about the blasé attitude of parents I expressed in my previous blog.

Day 50 - 315 Days to Go

What I Learned At Work And How I Feel About It

Before I moved to Seattle, I used to work as a shift lead in Hollywood Video
For those people that know me, they know that I have certain, shall we say, opinions about the world and how it works at large. They also know there are times in my life where something come to my attention (or is refreshed into my mind) and I have to say something about it or burst with frustration.
This is one of those times.
I used work at Hollywood Video. Why would anyone want this seemingly thankless job in the retail industry? Well, the hours suck and the pay is shit but the job is fun more often than not and I save a ton of money in rental fees cause I just take everything home for free.
So, Lauren, what the fuck is this about? Why are you sitting here talking about your job for?
Well, in my line of work I have the chance to observe the population at large and have determined that the world is going to hell. Being where I work has made me more secure than ever in my thoughts that 75% of the population should NEVER be allowed to breed (and yes, I use the word breed with purpose)
Most parents, most people for that matter have no business trying to raise children. I have mothers come into my store and rent rated R horror movies for their screaming brood of children, none of them over the age of 10. Why should a child be exposed to murder and the unadulterated gore of the modern horror movie? Should your child really be watching See No Evil before they're old enough to be in middle school? Hell, they rate the dame things for a reason, making the job of picking an age appropriate movie foolproof for the modern parent. WHAT THE HELL PART OF RATE R-NO ONE UNDER 17 DO YOU MORONS NOT UNDERSTAND???
I had a mother come in the store yesterday and rent the game Narc for the ps2 for her son that couldn't have been more than 8 years old. I informed her that the game was rated 'M' for strong language, strong sexual content, use of drugs, use of alcohol, and violence. This woman sat through my entire explanation and said, wait for it, "I know, he plays stuff like that all the time" I wanted to haul across the counter and smack the woman as hard as I could. What decent and responsible parent rents something like for their children? Who want their child simulating mass murder and drug use, not to mention sex before their old enough to really comprehend what the hell their doing? I mean, it's like their saying "Yes, I want my child to be comfortable with the idea of mass slaughter and be entertained by this thought. I want my 7 year old to see parts of the female anatomy that he shouldn't be familiar with until sex ed in high school."
What sort of person thinks that way? You're either sentencing your child to live a life of deviance and moral deficiency or the electric chair. No child can live like that and come through the experience unscathed. When you force children into an environment where they're exposed to adult stimulus, they learn to take on more than they can handle and often misunderstand what they're shown. Example: I was walking to a friend's house some years ago and passed in front of an elementary school. I saw two children out front with bicycles, age appropriate to the school, no more than 11, and one was bragging to the other about getting laid over the weekend.
what child knows what getting laid is short of what they're shown on movies and in video games. Children don't really know what it is to have sex and those that do can't fully appreciate it (or even achive an orgasm) before they go through puberty. Even then all that's fixed is the orgasm part. Children are being raised in such a way now that some of them will never really comprehend making love or know what sex means short of achieving personal satisfaction. Serial fuckbuddies, meaningless sex, anonymous multiple partners and unwanted pregnancy. These are the results of this lack of personal responsibility.
Violence is also another issue when it comes to our children. We're teaching them violence in video games, buying them toy guns and other action figures who's whole lot ion life is to hurt and destroy and most parents don't stop to think what effect this is having on their children. When you buy your child a toy gun (at any age) you send the message that this is an ok thing to have in their life. And what do children do with toy guns? (even if it's pretend) They shoot things. What message does this give your child?
Teaching a child to shoot and be comfortable with guns only makes them more likely to be comfortable with violence and death (even if that's not what you intended) and in the long run makes them more likely to turn to violence when faced with a problem. Am I saying all children that play with guns will someday turn to violence? No, no one could make a call on that with any amount of certainty but what I am saying is that its likely.
We are a generation of children raising children. What 16 year old is capable of knowing how to raise children?
And really, with all of the better, more helpful toys in the world, why would you resort to one that corrupts a child's sense of innocence? And, lets face it- children need all the help developmentally nowadays that they can get. Most children who are in middle school cannot read at an elementary school level.
And this brings me to something else- the billboards on the side of the road encouraging parents to read to their children 15 minutes a day. 15 minutes? Are you kidding? If more parents read to their children religiously, more children would be instilled with a love of reading and it's been clinically proven that children who read a lot do better in school. Why not take more time than 15 minutes? What do you have to lose. Of course, the sad thing about this is that most parents, at the end of the day, can't be bothered.
And then again there are commercials to have your child be active for at least 30 minutes a day. What is this trying to tell us, oh yeah, I know: GET YOUR CHILD OUT FROM IN FRONT OF THAT DAMN VIOLENT VIDEO GAME AND GET THEM OUTSIDE BEFORE THEY GET FAT AND JOIN THE DISTURBINGLY HIGH PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS THAT ARE OVERWEIGHT! Not only do sports increase physical fitness but it also encourages a child's sense of self esteem and teaches children to interact in a healthy manner. In other words, it makes sure your child can relate to his peers and get along with them in a good way. And it keeps children away from harmful influences and activities. And it's a damn better babysitter than the boob tube.
I guess this crisis of parenting isn't the work of the parents alone. Yes, in the end they choose what they do and allow but some of them honestly weren't raised to know better. It's the society that makes this degrade in morality seen and accepted. Instant gratification is the norm now and our society is giving in like horses to the barn. Microwave, IM, cell phone (which is an entirely new rant, let me assure you.) It's enough to make you scream. And we're teaching our children to rely on these things (school children with cell phones? children creating sex chat rooms on Yahoo IM- again, another rant for a whole new day)
It's the folly of a generation and it's all downhill from here

Day 49 - 316 Days to Go

Women, Man!

Women are crazy!

I say this in the most sincere way possible. Women, by and large, are freakin crazy! I mean, I know this is going against my gender, or whatever, but it’s true! I’ve never known any group of people so widely varied and willing to change their mind or their mood at the drop of a hat. I find moody men here and there but nothing like women.

Now, before you say anything, this isn’t a challenge to the men out there in blogger land. It’s simply an observation. You see, men are relatively even tempered from what I’ve seen and the only time they turn into erratic people is when they have something to hide. You should feel complimented, men, that I think so highly of you.

And likewise, you women shouldn’t feel so judged that I think this of you. I am a woman myself, after all, and I can admit that I’m not always in the driver’s seat when it comes to my emotional roller coaster. Our hormones seem to take over at times and I, for one, don’t know which way to go!

Now, some women are just bitches and they’re always going to be bitches. I’m not talking about them. But if you know that one woman that seems ok most of the time and then suddenly wigs out on you for no reason, know it’s not always their fault. Sometimes we just need to explode and then we’re ok again.

Day 48 - 317 Days to Go

The Photo Shoot

Today was the most amazing day! Wayne and I traveled out to the Snoqualmie Falls to do a photoshoot at the park there. We wanted to hike down to the falls base but the trail was closed until 2013. What can you do?

So I bought some fake orchids and clipped them in my hair and did the eye makeup to match with a very sheer pink lip. I followed Michelle Phan's Geisha tutorial on facebook (here linked: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDUlcgDfYTo ) to the best of my amateur makeup ability. We arrived at the falls and it was raining but both being troopers, we proceeded anyway.

Once we had to charge the camera we headed inside to eat a little something at a very pretentious restaurant inside the nearby hotel. Still, the Kobe beef hamburger I had (just a touch above rare, thank you.) was AMAZING!!! I'm such a foodie!

Once that was over we did a wardrobe change and took a few more shots. Once it started raining very hard we left. On the way home we passed a corn maze and Wayne had the idea to do a "victim" shoot in the maze. The concept being a teenager stalked by a killer through the corn. So I darkened my eyes and set to it!

Most of the shots didn’t turn out so well in my opinion and of the ones that did I look like I’m ready to chow down on anyone that gets close to me. It’s not often I look so badass so I’m pleased!

By the time we were done my shoes were caked in mud, my jeans were soaked and mud stained and I was exhausted and happy. From the 480 shots we took that day I’ve found about 20 or so that I absolutely love so it was a successful day all in all.

Now I’m relaxing before bed. Goodnight Bloggers!

Day 47 - 318 Days to Go

Disney's "The Princess and the Frog" and what it has to do with real life...

So we’re all pretty much aware that the Disney hit machine has made more than a few misses in it’s lifetime of openings. Pocahontas was almost a universal flop, but that didn’t stop them from making a sequel. And who could forget the epic fail or the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Now, Disney is pretty famous for skewing the facts to make the cut but turning a horror story into something for children?? I shudder to think…

But as far as making hits (and hit makers for that matter) the Disney Corporation is poised to strike the killing blow each and every time. They have 5 theme parks worldwide (counting Disneyworld as one theme park together), a string of movies, and their own TV channel and record label. They even have their own radio station! Get in with these guys and they’ll do everything they can to make sure you’re a star. (Because fame for you is money for them and that’s the heart of Disney ethics. Just ask Michael Eisner.) If you doubt this I want you to repeat 3 words to yourself: High School Musical. Yeah, I thought you’d change your tune.

While I’ve been disappointed by the last few Disney films. Bolt and Up left me a bit cold. Even Enchanted, a critical hit, slapped me in the face with its over the top sap and campy pot shots. However, I was convinced to watch The Princess and the Frog by a friend of mine that has made some dubious recommendations to me in the past. (none so bad as Twilight.) But then she showed me the token villain song, “Friends on the Other Side” on Youtube. I was enchanted! Here was a jazzy sound for Disney, something new and exciting! So, after that, I consented to watch it.

Now, to be honest, I enjoyed the movie so much overall that I’ve watched it twice more since then. (The fact that it’s on my Netflix instant cue doesn’t hurt) Sure, it’s cheesy. Sure it’s got sap and predictability stamped all over it. It’s for kids!! What kid’s movie has originality and spunk anymore?

However, The Princess and the Frog is original in a lot of ways and just as back assward in others as they’ve always been. Tiana is, for all intents and purposes, Disney’s first big black main character. To those of you crying about Song of the South, realize I’m speaking of female leads. And to those of you crying about the muses from Hercules (seriously, Disney execs? Gospel for a movie about Greek Mythology gone HORRIBLY wrong? Seems absurd and blasphemous to me…) the muses were pretty cool for what they were but not heroines, simply narrators. Could have been Morgan Freeman narrating for all the difference it would have made. People might have liked that better anyway.

Now, the original concept drawing for Princess Tiana (in early concept called Maddy) is found here. http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z316/ZaiaFantasy/Maddy.jpg?t=1287165814

If they’d stuck with this concept they might have had something. But in true Disney fashion, they scrapped the earlier “racist” concept for a white washed Princess cutout. I mean, who wants a Fro for their Halloween Princess costume?? (well me, personally, but I’m strange. Also, not a child) Along with the fro the Disney concept artists lost the pooka shells and the traditional garb. Enter the rich white best friend. Someone had to dress her up, didn’t they?

So, suddenly, our original concept is now the perfect cardboard cutout princess that we all are used to. So much for originality in that arena, movie. Better luck next time.

Now we get a little original. The music in this film is jazzy and original, very much keeping with the setting and time period of the film. (Hear that Hercules muses?? Setting and time frame of the movie!!)) I found the music to be bland in places but overall very catchy and upbeat. Not to mention, jazz music outside of New Orleans Square in Disneyland is new territory. So points for originality in that column.

The second item is in the execution of the “moral.” I say “moral” in quotes because the moral in Disney movies always boils down to the same thing…love conquers all…yada yada yada…true love happens in a matter of days, not months or years…blah blah blah…etc etc. So the “moral” is dubious at best.

HOWEVER, and I used the big letters as a stress, Princess and the Frog was a vehicle for a new set of morals as well and this makes it new and exciting. It introduces the idea of work behind achieving your dreams. Pipe down all you Snow White and Cinderella fans! I’m getting there…Unlike Snow White and Cinderella who were servants in their own homes, who worked because they were told to and not toward some specific goal, they don’t quite match what Disney introduces with Tiana. Here is a poor girl who is WORKING toward a specified dream. Her aspirations aren’t of fame or status. She just wants to open the restaurant she promised her dad she’d open. Finally, a moral worth remembering!!

Now, before all of you Disney fanatics start bitching “Hey, Lauren, what about Mulan? All she wanted to do was save her dad! Blah blah insert mindless diatribe here…” I will concede the point with one stipulation: if it wasn’t a fairytale she’d have been dead early in. C’mon. We’re being realistic here!!

Back to the point…I seem to have lost it here in the field of bullshit. Oh, right. The second thing that makes this tale somewhat unique to the Disney formula is their “fix it fairy”, Mama Odie. Fix it fairy is the generic term I set to any character in a Disney film that can instantly fix the problem (even if they create another in the process or have ulterior motives.) The biggest case of a fix it fairy is the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella.

I liked Mama Odie! She had charm and soul. And, while she indeed fixed the problem, she also gave them the real lesson. Sometimes what you want isn’t what you need and vice versa. Some unanswered prayers are really blessings in disguise. Though convincing disguises at the time, you find the real meaning later. None of the other “fix it fairies” in Disney fame (ala Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, etc).
Though I was disappointed with how Dr. Facilier ended his part in the movie, I guess it was fitting in the end so I’ll let it slide.

Now, as for the rest, it’s all the same formulaic situations that most Disney animated films apply. Boy meets girl. Folly ensues. Boy and girl are forced to bond, meet sidekick(s) along the way (or before, whatever), bond some more, main problem, main solution, love love love, movie ends.

Now, to clarify, I mean most in that I’m applying this to the Disney films The Little Mermaid forward. There are exceptions on either side of this very broad generalization. The Toy Story franchise (which works if you substitute girl for boy where applicable and change love to friendship), and The Rescuers (that was made in the early 80’s.) are the exceptions I can think of off the top of my head.

So, you know, in the end it’s innovative for Disney, the company that makes a black heroine AFTER a Chinese heroine and about 50 years or more too late for the black civil rights movement and still considers the 36-24-36 body shape the way to go. We’re not talking modernization here, people, so consider this for the effort it is! Disney has a LOT of people to please and you do that by keeping everything the same and keeping your stories within the European story set. Is it fair? Well, honestly, no. Is it honest? Well, honestly, no. Does it keep a majority of people stupid and happy and only upset the severe extremes? Well, honestly, yes. Show a pretty white girl getting with a handsome white boy in some lush forest somewhere and you’ve got the goods to please about 85% of their fanbase.

They could have made this film a little more daring at the risk of pissing off a few people but I can understand why they didn’t. If I had millions on the line, I’d play it safe, too. And, honestly, the differences only really matter if you’re an anal retentive like me.


Day 46 - 319 Days to go

The sadness of the day today.

I found out sometime tonight that someone I'd been intimate with a few years ago committed suicide yesterday. I'm shocked and saddened by this and can't help but wonder if I had made more of an effort to keep in touch if he'd have done the same thing. Getting that kind of call is never easy and I mourn with anyone who knows that to be true.

Matt had his issues and I knew it even when we met. He was prone to depression and moodiness but his medication kept him generally level. My heart, more than anything, grieves for the daughter he left behind and the heartache his ex-wife must feel and will continue to feel when her baby gets old enough to ask questions about her father.

I never told Brian I'd slept with Matt. I didn't even know I would until it had happened. It was a brief period in my life and I had feelings for Brian so I was somewhat scared to admit I'd slept with his best friend. Really, how does one do that without sounding horrible? I guess that's a secret I'll take to my grave. Considering Brian and I have never really been friends (or, at least, not since we met) I'm really not sure if telling him would end the friendship. I don't know why but I'm still hesitant to let go.

Brian and I have this entire relationship thing. When we met I was in college, studying all of the basic freshman courses. He worked in the computer lab as an assistant and we met. I think it's fair to say we were attracted to each other instantly though technically I was engaged to my ex-husband. And from there I really came to care about the vibrant guy I'd met.

But our friendship has always been rocky at best. We've had good moments and horrible ones and we've parted ways so many times only to come back together again. I can't really say for sure whether I should hold onto him or not. Even though we speak now, occasionally, I'm still not sure.

I've had a lot to think about since last night...

Oh, and on top of that my fish died, too.

Day 45 - 320 Days to go

I see you shiver with antici

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pation

So, yeah, I'm in that kind of mood today. I feel a day late and a dollar short and my inner edit button is seriously on the fritz. I’ll be thankful when Friday is over. This weekend is packed!!! Saturday Wayne and I are going to Snoqualmie Falls to do a photo shoot (no theme yet). And Sunday we are going to Pike’s Place Market with Shawn and David and the kids to look around, look at some fresh fish, and go home to make homemade sushi. We even are getting the stuff for desert sushi. I’m really excited!!

My house is turning into a demilitarized zone. I feel badly that I’m not cleaning it as faithfully as I should but on the other hand, screw it. I have company. On that note, Wayne and I are having a ball and I feel slightly spoiled. It’s a nice feeling after feeling kind of family-less up here. On the other hand, my sister and mom have conspired and now I have a plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. Woo hoo me!! I’m really looking forward to my trip. Of course, the first thing mom did was plan a Disney day. Figures…it is a family tradition. And hey, even the Haunted Mansion will be decked out for Christmas!!

Doesn’t seem like time should have passed this quickly. Nine days are gone and Wayne leaves in a week. All good things must and will come to an end eventually, right? It’s all a matter of how soon.

Work is on the mellow side today and I’m happy that it is. Cynthia, the new gal in the office, is a real doll! I helped her with her computer. Her laptop was giving her troubles and I got it working at least somewhat more efficiently. It’s better than getting a new laptop anyway. Besides, I want to make her feel welcome. She’s older than I am…late 40’s probably but still, everyone gets nervous their first days on the job.

Either way, she seems to love me now. Woo hoo for me!!

Day 44 - 321 Days to Go

What the world needs now! Part 2

Where was I? Oh, yes, I remember.

The rest of my time in high school was a breeze. I wasn't popular but I was comfortable with my friends and with who I was. All in all it was a nice way to end my time in the education system. That doesn't mean I didn't have problems, but I at least was comfortable where I was.

Back to the point, though, is that my attitude with Phoebe Prince was wrong. ullying does happen to everyone at some point but the problem is that attitudes like mine keep it from being stopped. For this, I was wrong and I have since changed my mind.

We as parents and adults have gotten comfortable with violence. We as a society have become comfortable with a blase attitude toward children that do wrong and toward the suffering of the children they do harm against. We've forgotten what it's like to be there ourselves.

There should never be a point where we turn our backs on children suffering. There should never be a time when we think to ourselves that violence, hatred, and intolerance is ok. These are the things we should be teaching children to avoid. These are the things we should be teaching children to be against! How is it we have become ok with the idea of no accountability?

I started a group on Facebook as a support group for kids going through abuse and bullying. It's got 134 members in three days. It's nice to see some people want to do good. (Here linked: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=113555045371384 )

Hopefully with time and effort we can make this astonishing trend a thing of the past.

Day 43 - 322 Days to go

What the world needs now!

I'm expounding on something I mentioned yesterday in my blog.

Recently, I'm becoming more and more aware that bullying is getting to be a bigger issue in the schools. I watched a video clip from the Ellen show ( linked here: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=592846987806 ) And it got me thinking.

Some of you may remember Phoebe Prince since her story was pretty big news a while ago now. (Here linked: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/03/29/2010-03-29_phoebe_prince_south_hadley_high_schools_new_girl_driven_to_suicide_by_teenage_cy.html) And at the time I remember thinking that children get bullied in school all of the time, myself included, and that it’s a natural occurrence and that it was a shame that none of the adults had done anything about it. I did not realize at the time how extensive the bullying was.

It got me thinking about my own experiences. I spent 2 years of middle school (7th & 8th) going to Mountain Shadows Middle School in Nuevo, California. My freshman year, I spent the time at Perris High School in Perris, California. During this time I was bullied and tormented almost relentlessly by various groups of people.

When I moved to Nuevo, I did so from South Carolina. Nuevo is a small town with a very small population (less than 10,000) and shy and awkward me did not fit in well there. Needless to say I was not liked by the popular kids. I was smart, and shy, and very nervous when trying to make new friends though I was nice. I was also a bit on the chubbier side. But I was nice to everyone and even made jokes with a popular kid in my class while working with him on a project. His girlfriend later approached me and accused me of trying to take him away. I wasn’t afraid of her but I did tell her I had no interest in taking anyone away from her and she walked away.

After that I was a social outcast. If I sat at a table, people moved away from me. If I tried talking to someone, I was mostly ignored. The two years I spent at that school I was miserable and that compounded with the problems at home and more than once I considered suicide. If I had not made the few friends I made (and one of those friends even came to one day in all seriousness and told me I was going to go to hell for cussing so much.) I remember teachers talking to me about how miserable I was but almost none of them took steps to actively stop it. Everyone just told me it was going to get better in high school.

Once I went into high school, I had high hopes. This time I befriended the wrong person and thus, was the object of bullying again. My tormenters even went so far as to throw eggs at me one day while I was walking past them. I immediately went to the principal’s office and nothing was done about it, other than they let me call my mother for new pants. The bullies in question were never punished.

Thankfully, we moved just after my freshman year and I went to a new school in a new town that was sort of preppy. Since Perris High was pretty well known with a bad reputation, most people who knew I went there assumed I’d been in a gang and left me alone.

To be continued tomorrow...

Day 42 - 323 Days to Go

Just Another Manic Monday

So, Kathy worried herself sick, literally, over the weekend. She wasn't at work today. Well, this is just beautiful!! I understand her situation but holy cow! Agents, if you know I'm only one person - LAY OFF!! It's not like I can divide myself into parts to please you.

And Jana, holy bejesus! I wanted to slap the crap out of her. As I posted on my Facebook. I'm not here to do your job and yet I seem to all the time and you complain about me having down time? Are you kidding? I wish I could spend as much time in the office as you yakking on the phone to anyone who will listen. It's not professional and its not fair to speak to me like that. *sigh*

On the other side of the coin. I saw this video clip of Ellen where she speaks out against bullying, especially in the gay community. She's right. Something has to be done. So I created a Facebook group to create a network of bullying survivors to help the future generations. I really have high hopes that with some time and nurturing it could be something big. I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. I just needed this boost to get started.

Day 41 - 324 Days to Go

Lazy Sunday Afternoons

Today there was little, if anything, to note. We were supposed to do a photoshoot today but Wayne's camera battery ran out of juice so he went to Fry's to buy another. I stayed home and played the Sims 2.

This evening we watched movies. I think I'm ready to go to work tomorrow and try to play a game of catchup.

Day 40 - 325 Days to Go

Today

Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one that universally acknowledges that my ex boyfriend is a cowardly, childish, dumbass. For a while I was worried.

Wayne knows my new friend Shawn from when she lived in my old town. Shawn and I are still in those early stages of forming a friendship and while I never had any desire to strain this friendship in its infancy, Patrick had no such reservations. He vented and badmouthed me at every turn so when he left I wasn't sure if Shawn would still want to be friends with me.

It may seem silly, I know, but it meant a lot to me since I really enjoy being in Shawn and her husband David's company. I sent her a message explaining my side and my thoughts on pulling her and David into the middle and I still cared about her. As it happened, Wayne had made plans to go every there last night so I tagged along. When I was there it was as if there was nothing wrong much to my relief.

We went out the the store and she told me "It's been a while since I've gotten a hug from you. Come here."

It gave me warm, fuzzy happies!!

Day From Hades

So, today sucked ass!!!!!! I cannot even stress that enough. Today sucked not only ass but balls, too. Screw today!!

I got to work at the normal time and found my boss crying. She just found out her husband has myeloma, a form of leukemia. So it wasn't his heart, it's just cancer of the blood plasma instead. I felt helpless. What could I do?? I hugged her and comforted her as best I could and she left shortly thereafter. I feel like I've been socked in the stomach. Ken is a wonderful guy and the survival rates on myeloma aren't pretty. Positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking. And lots of prayer.

Did I mention it was the first of the month and Robin wasn't there either? I didn't? Oh, yeah, well, there you go. So not only did I have the first of the month data entry to do but I also had to do Kathy and Robin's job as well in between, running the office by myself. Luckily most of the agents left me all the hell alone, which was a wise move on their part. I got nothing done. I feel like I'm mountains behind, but thank God it's over. I need my weekend.

Day 38 - 327 Days to Go

My New Sewing Project

So I've started a new sewing project pictured at the left. I'm making custom canvas bags in a quilting cabin block pattern. This is attempt number 2 and is much cleaner looking than attempt number 1.

This one happens to be for my sister and while the colors didn't come out as much as I'd have liked in the picture, I used a dark chocolate brown, a light green in a sponge pattern, and a brown and green plaid with black canvas matting and backing. Overall, it turned out rather wonderful. I need to work on straighter seams but I don't think my sister will notice.

If I ever get really good, I'll try to start selling them online and see what comes of that. Paypal is my friend!!

Day 37 - 328 Days to Go

The Bella Swan Curse on Women

Subtitled: Why Twilight Sucks

So I'm sure I've said this before to other people in other places but I think that Twilight has been one of the single worst influences in recent American history. I had a friend of mine tell me he took a 29 year old woman out on a date and over the course of dinner she mentioned she wants a man that "makes me feel like Bella Swan." He ended the date shortly after that and told me he couldn't think of a thing to say in response. Thankfully, I wasn't there. I'd have had a response but I don't think she'd have liked it.

I mean, honestly, when a woman says they want to feel like Bella Swan does that mean they want to feel controlled, weak, unrealistic, and shallow?

And it's not that I'm against vampire novels or even vampire romance novels. And I'm certainly not against teenage vampire romance novels. I read and enjoyed the entire Christopher Pike "Last Vampire" series. Not to mention most of Anne Rice and assorted other lesser known vampire novels. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in vampires and their romances.

The problem is that these novels convince me of two things. The first is that Stephanie Meyer should be ashamed that this is what she presents to the world of literature as a well thought out plot, well developed characters, and a realistic basis for a novel (even one about vampires and werewolves.) The second is that Stephanie Meyer should never write another word again.

So onto the meat of the matter.

My main problem with this set of novels is that little girls, teens, and even grown women are taking Bella Swan and making her a basis for comparison and emulation in their lives when Bella is not a realistic or likeable character. They spend time looking for their own "Edward" when he's nothing more than a controlling misogynist and textbook abuser. Perhaps it is the misconception of the author that these are the things to look for in a mate. Perhaps she labors under the misconception that women should be dominated and controlled, not allowed to make any decisions. I, on the other hand, think women should not be silent and that relationships can only work when they are a pair of equals.

*sigh* Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer. Fuck you, Edward Cullen. And a special mega-fuck you, Bella Swan.

Day 36 - 329 Days to Go

Today's Awesomeness!

Today was a great day!

My adopted dad came to visit from California and is spending 2 weeks here! We had sushi in my favorite place and I got a new sewing machine for my new sewing projects in mind. I'm so excited!! I can't wait to spend time with someone who shares my interests and loves the things I do!

I watched Dr. Parnassus's Imaginarium tonight and I wasn't very thrilled. The imagination land scenes were amazing. The storyline left me wanting. Memoirs of a Geisha is playing in the background now. Yay comfort movie!

Day 35 - 330 Days to Go

Racial Stereotypes

Now before I begin let me clarify that I know a great many stereotypes aren't true. Not all black people like fried chicken and believe in being "ghetto fabulous" and not all white people eat mayonnaise and enjoy golf. Those things are not always true, just like a great many other stereotypes I haven't mentioned for different races.

On the other hand, it seems like sometimes the stereotypes are true and are perpetuated by the race they engender. Such as: many people of middle eastern decent drive taxi cabs. I don't know why they do it but it seems like every cab I've ever been in (save possibly 1 or 2) has been driven by a middle eastern man (never women) and this puzzles me.

I've never seen this stereotype used in a negative light but is that really the only thing out there?? It seems to me you'd want to try to find something else to break that stereotype, you know? I mean, they even make fun of it in "You Don't Mess With The Zohan."

I dunno, it's just my interesting thought of the day...why do some people resent stereotypes and others embrace them?

Day 34 - 331 Days to Go

Ins and Outs

The upstairs neighbors refer to me as Auntie to their daughter despite the fact that I've only ever spent maybe an hour with the child. I don't mind much. That seems to be my role with children - Auntie.

I've started keeping track of what I eat now, in the hopes that I might start losing weight.

There's a hill next to my house. It's a very steep grade. I've made a vow to walk up and down it every night. I'll stop where I need to and continue on until it gets easier and easier. I'm horribly out of shape. I think that has something to do with my office job. I start in the middle of the day and when I get off I just want to make dinner and relax.

I really want to get into shape again. Hopefully I can now that I've made up my mind to.

Day 33 - 332 Days to Go

WOO HOO! It's Friday Again!

I'm excited for the weekend. Can't you tell??

As far as work days go, today was relatively easy. People left me mostly the hell alone. That's part of why I like Fridays. No one is ever in the office. All the same, I felt like I was playing catch up most of the day, anyway. Kathy will be back in the office on Monday and I didn't want to be too far behind when she returned. As it is I have a buttload of filing to do when I get into work on Monday.

This weekend the big boss is coming over for dinner with her dog. I'm thinking of going simply with dinner. Baked chicken, mushroom couscous and some vegetable.

Wayne gets here on Tuesday and I'm SO EXCITED!!!

Day 32 - 333 Days to Go

Modern Day Dating

So whatever happened to the idea that a guy saw a girl, liked her, and asked her on a date? He picked her up, took her to dinner and a movie, and then dropped her off at home without asking for anything in return but her company. What was so bad about that arrangement, anyway? It used to be guys were polite and chivalrous. They brought you flowers on a first date. Were very patient and didn't press you for anything you didn't want to give. Dating used to be in the hands of the women. Now dating is little more than going to a bar and finding someone to go home with.

How did we get to this?

I miss the good ol' days when it was ok to go on dates with multiple men. You'd go out, have some fun, and then come home again. Dating was supposed to be the process by which you determined what you wanted in a man and in your life and it helped you determine whose qualities suited yours the best. Dating used to be the great yardstick of love. Now everyone pushes themselves to settle into relationships too soon and spends so much of their time with the wrong guy while the right one passes them by because they weren't free.

It's not that I'm against monogamy. And it's not that I'm against relationships. I think a healthy, loving relationship is a wonderful thing! I just don't think it's something to be taken lightly. I'm guilty of it myself, allowing myself to fall into the comfortable habit of being with one person exclusively before I really know if they're the person I want to really be with. I know what it's like to dread waiting for that "one" to fall into your lap.

I just think that if we got back into that dating mentality, Not the "I want to get into your pants" mentality, there would be a lot less divorce in this world. From high school on we pretty much train ourselves to be in that one person at a time desire. Part of being in this world is experiencing what it has to offer us! Part of that is really searching ourselves and deciding what we want and need through trial and error!

I guess it took me a long time to learn the hard way. Yes, I still want to be in that comfortable relationship. Yes, I still have the intense desire to have someone to curl up to in the middle of the night. But I'm not going to allow myself to settle anymore for anyone I'm not sure I have a really good shot of making it last with. I want to break this cycle. I want to experience dating and I want a gentleman above all. I miss that kind of courtesy. I'm not going to be all trite and stupid and say I deserve to be treated like a goddess or whatever. I am going to say I deserve to be treated like a lady, since that is what I am.

Day 31 - 334 Days To Go

I could never be your woman

Today has been a very interesting day. I made a bridal shower game thing for my boss. I got into a debate with a bunch of braindead retards, and had some good times working and talking to people. I woke up too early this morning cause I was a moron and kept thinking going in early meant being here at 8 am instead of 9. So I set my alarm an hour early to compensate.

So I arrived at work 15 minutes early, half awake and stumbling. It's ok, though, I get to camp in Kathy's office this week since she's on vacation. It gives me my own space without letting anyone else come crashing in. When she's gone I don't feel like I'm in my fishbowl cubicle. In this way, I think I get more done.

Also, why is it people bother to argue with other people online? I don't mean debating. I enjoy debate. I mean all out arguing cause they can't debate. I made a comment on this post on facebook for a public group. It was a simple enough post, nothing to it. It was simply my opinion. Someone else made a completely asinine comment and I replied to it. Suddenly I found myself being accused of things I didn't do like defaming this woman's character, being a bitch, a lunatic, etc all for making a simple comment.

Every time I made an argument, I supported it with evidence as I am accustomed to doing. Everytime they made remarks they were personal attacks on my character or outright lies. When I asked them to prove their argument they couldn't and the attacks got more violent (ie cussing and such) and more people joined in.

What is it about stupid people that attracts more stupid people??? Oh, well. Lesson learned. No more debates online with stupid people.

Day 30 - 335 Days to Go

Interesting Thoughts

I've spent a lot of tonight thinking about myself and the path that I want to take in the future. I have so many things I want to do, businesses I'd like to start and places I want to visit and sometimes it seems like I don't have enough life to do it all. I know everything starts somewhere, though, and it's all up to me.

I remain hopeful, however, that things will work out for the best. My early work day is tomorrow and I'm not particularly looking forward to it. With Kathy out on vacation things are a lot more hectic for me. Everytime I cover for her I gain a new appreciation for just how taxing her job is. It makes me think that I would think twice before taking her job if she ever retires. I'd like to think by then I'll have moved onto bigger and better things.

Either way, it's getting late and I should sleep. Goodnight, bloggers. May the clacking of keyboards guide thee to thy sleep!

Day 29 - 336 Days to Go

Cocoa Puffs

In other words, I'm coocoo!

So I've been staying at home most of the time watching TV with my cat since Patrick left on Monday. I'm contemplating going out and being social but something in my stomach seems to prevent me from going all gung ho on that idea. It's not that I want a new boyfriend or anything but there's nothing inside of me that really wants to see any men in a romantic light.

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I woke up and went outside to see a bunch of Redbox machines lined up in my driveway. There had to have been about 20 of them out there all with cardboard "Out of Order" signs. As I weaved my way through the machines I saw racks of movies on display, titles I'd never heard of. I began to take certain movies that caught my interest. And then I was standing in a grocery store and started picking up things from there, looking for specific items. My basket was full and I saw my dad playing poker in the middle of the store.

I kept searching for things, moving all over this gargantuan store. And then somehow found more and more things to go back and look for. After a long time of looking among all these people I ended up leaving the store and ending up in downtown Anaheim. Disneyland was there and that's where I went but it was different than it was supposed to be. I wandered around and things were dark, creepy. Near the entrance I saw a group of puppets. They were small, and working hard on something. I got the feeling they were enslaved by the park and totally willing to make someone else pay for it.

I ran away and got on a ride. They sat this prince beside me and it was a huge deal! He was cute in a blond haired - blue eyed kind of way and we seemed to have a lot in common. We were getting along just fine, finding ourselves attracted to eachother when he reaches over and bites my neck. While he's going all vampire on me I'm torn between the pain and pleasure of it all. His parents are frantic, telling him it's too soon or something and disapproving of me. We get off the ride and run for it, ending up back in downtown Anaheim at a mall. It's huge and reminds me of New York.

We duck through the crowd and I know my neck is bruised if not bleeding but no one seems to notice. I'm breathless and ask to stop a while. We rest and he looks at me. I reach out to hug him and he falls on me again, biting my neck and draining my blood. I'm scared and excited and confused all at once. I ask him why he's doing this and he tells me that he's found his mate. That word caught my attention, mate. Reminds me of a dog or something. I ask him if he's found a mate why he's doing this, biting my neck. He tells me that it's the only way to combine our souls forever.

Then my alarm clock went off. I'm sure Dr. Freud would have a field day with this dream but I think its indicative of the two main sources of thought I've had lately: my lack of men and love and Angel the TV show. *sigh* I need a life.

Day 28 - 337 Days to Go

Recent Trend

In my very recent blogs there has been this trend of love, loss and relationships reflective of my experiences over the past week or so. In fact, it's been one week today that he left me and I feel as if I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm not going to go out and find a new boyfriend or anything but I'm far from broken, too. Either way, I guess, it all works out.

But this whole experience has made me wonder if I've ever loved anyone at all, or if I'm even capable of love. Anyone who reads this and really knows me might look at me in shock but I really do wonder if somehow, deep inside, I'm broken. I started thinking this way when I first learned of the grief process.

When I was in high school I was involved with Peer Mediation and took the class which was a very basic intro to psychology. Somewhere in the first semester we learned about the stages of grief. At the time I thought it was weird but I never actually gave it much thought since I hadn't really lost anyone all that important to me at the time. It wasn't until years later, just a few weeks after I turned 21, that the power of grief really hit home for me. I lost my grandfather to a very hard battle of cancer.

At the time I remember laying in the bathtub crying, hurting so much I couldn't see straight. I'd only seen him once since he'd been hospitalized and that was for all of an hour. For a long time after he was diagnosed I was in San Francisco going to culinary school. I was told that he asked for me a lot but I didn't know how serious it was. When I came home I begged my mother to take me to see him and she did, finally, but told me that we weren't staying long since she doesn't like hospitals and didn't want to see him like that. That was something I don't think I ever forgave her for.

My grandfather and I had always been close. While he chain-smoked in the back yard I'd listen to him "rumble" (as he called it.) about projects he'd been working on and his past in the military and in Japan. I'd talk to him about my fights with my mother and my horrible choices in men. He was one of those remarkable people that never once told you that you handled a situation the wrong way, he simply suggested that you could have done it better. He always made me feel as though I weren't the stupid child I was but somehow something a little better. I look back on our conversations now and I see just how much of a child I was back then and how I wish I'd spoken to him of something with more substance.

I found out he'd died one night after work. It was a Monday. I'd just met my Greg friend starting this new job and it had actually been a really good night. When the phone rang some time after closing I didn't give it much thought. The restaurant owner's wife picked it up and spoke for a few minutes. I went on cleaning and didn't pay any attention until she approached me and told me my mother was going to be giving me a ride home from work that night. I immediately knew he was dead. I normally walked the mile home and it was down the main street in town, well lit and generally safe.

His wife didn't say a word on why but I knew anyway. I asked her if he was dead and she shook her head. "I'm so sorry." she said but I felt lost from that moment and didn't really understand her. Greg came out from the kitchen and I went out front, crying and waiting while he held me. I think that's why Greg and I have always been so close. We met and he was there for me through a very important loss in my life. Anyway, I remember riding home and my mother telling he that he'd died and that it was a good thing because he'd left before he had a chance to be in a lot of pain. I went in the house and ran a tubful of hot water and just soaked in it, crying softly. I didn't sleep very well that night. But less than three days later I started functioning again. I still missed him but I knew there was life outside of my bedroom.

It's been this way through every loss I've ever had. It's been a super short grieving period and I've skipped most of the steps. With my grandfather I had the shock, denial, possibly depression (though it was super short as far as depressions go) and then acceptance.

I asked my teacher about it when I was in the class since every loss I'd ever had was a minor one and my grieving time was short. She told me it was normal from some people to skip steps in the process but that most periods of grieving take from a few weeks to a few years sometimes. From this I gathered I was mostly not normal. Since then I have wondered if it's possible I never loved anyone at all.

You see, losing Patrick this past week was hard the first day or two but after that I was fine. I am fine. It's been widely agreed on that I wasn't in love with him. From previous entries I've explained why I believe this to be true. And since Grief is the process by which our minds and hearts cope with loss and the trauma losing someone does to us does it mean you don't love someone when losing them causes you relatively little trauma?

Losing my grandfather was hard on me. There were moments I thought of him and cried. Does this mean I still mourned for him all these years later or did I mourn for my own loss, not being able to talk to him or hug him. There are those that say it's unusual not to mourn that long. Others say there's nothing wrong with me and that the mourning period is different for each person. There is no definitive. Does this mean love is in my own hands? Have I loved because I believe I have or is love something more powerful, a force that makes itself known beyond a shadow of a doubt? What is this ineffable force in life?

Perhaps I'll never know but I will keep working toward it.

Day 27 - 338 Days to Go

Cleaning as Therapy

So on my first weekend of freedom I have chosen to clean my house from top to bottom. I washed the sheets, scrubbed the counters, Fabreezed the sofa, etc. I put on whatever music I wanted to listen to and zenned out making the place I call home sparkle. It was a therapeutic release, more than anything. I got to pick whatever music I wanted to listen to. I got to absorb myself into the act of cleaning the pain out of my life and leaving myself with a polished surface again.

Some women cut their hair. I choose to clean.

It was nice. It seemed like the more I got things to the point I wanted them to be at, the more I asserted myself out from under this rock I've been flattened by. The more of me I brought back out into the light the more I wanted to put out there. Like a flower emerging through the snow. You'd think the bitter cold would be enough to kill it but still it grows, blooming despite all odds to the contrary.

And, besides, I know I'm not heartbroken. I think I fell out of love with Patrick a long time ago. In December when he told me he didn't love me and he was leaving, I know I didn't ever recover my trust for him. I think, now, that I never recovered my love for him. It's not that I didn't love him, it's just that I think I forced myself to be out of love with him in that place and I never got it back. He always had one foot out the door and I knew it. Some people just can't grow in adversity. Thankfully, I know I can.

Autumn is coming to the great Northwest again and I'm happy to be surrounded by the damp, gray days of Fall. I've always been one of those chicks that really thrives when the rain is falling. I know I'm weird for it but I can't help it! There's just something about staring at the world being drenched in rain that makes me happy and allows me to be surrounded by green for most of the year. So screw the crap!

Day 26 - 339 To Go

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The longer I think about it the longer I wonder if I actually would give up my memories if I had the choice to. If you had the power to rid yourself of any painful subject or any bad memory theoretically your life would never be touched by pain again. On the other hand giving up the bad means losing the appreciation for the good in life. Not to mention losing some of those parts of you directly tied to times of trial.

For instance: I was abused as a child for quite a long time. If I chose to rid myself of that I could save myself from the defining trauma of my life. However, if I did that I'd never have learned what strength I had inside of me or how to persevere despite high odds and difficult times.

And in relationships I could forget the horrible people that have used and hurt me but then I'd never know what to look for in the right man. The more I'd forget, the more I'd have to forget. So, really, what is the price of forgetting?

Day 25 - 340 to Go

Erasing The Last Year

I did the last two things I needed to do today. I took down his picture from my desk wall and I took his name off the answering machine. It's no longer Lauren and Patrick. Now it's just Lauren. It's so strange because I feel I'm literally wiping the slate clean on the last year and a half of my life. I'm erasing all of him from where he's been for the last year. He even left the mug I bought him from Disneyland behind.

For the first time last night I realized that my house is just that - mine! It was such a surreal sensation. I've lived with someone for so long it's strange and freeing to have only my cat now! I can watch whatever I want. Play whatever music I want. Be whoever I want to be! I keep telling people I'll be ok but I think today is the first time I really believe it. I feel like I'm slowly returning to human, that is, I'm coming alive again.

I still have my moments. Usually late at night when I get the urge to roll over and snuggle myself into his arms. Those times are hard. It's still nice to feel the overwhelming support and love of those around me. I've has such a wonderful support system even though most of them are 2 states away or more! Thank God for Facebook.

I even put on makeup for work today. Not the full nine yards, mind you, but enough that I look pretty and feel like I'm getting back to "me".

Day 24 - 341 To Go

The Aftermath

Having been through horrendously hard breakups quite a few times in my life, I sort of think I’m an expert on how I handle them and the stages of grief I go through. I’m not gonna preach about grief being a process but for me, I feel it strongly and it’s hard. Even if you know it’s coming, it’s still a shock when it happens. You feel like the air’s been knocked out of you. As a friend of mine said, your heart is like a sponge. When something like this happens it feels like the sponge has been emptied, wrung out for good, but slowly your heart absorbs the love around it and becomes full again.

Right now I’m in that horrible awkward phase. I keep expecting him to come home, knock on the door and tell me how much of a fool he was and how much he misses me. At this point it wouldn’t do any good (I think) I’d like to think I wouldn’t even consider taking him back if he were here asking me but I know myself and I know that I still love him so I can’t trust that I wouldn’t follow my heart in the moment. Later on, I might be more solid knowing I wouldn’t give into the more emotional response.

Still, I’m starting to get my appetite back. Today I’m even able to eat the cheese in my Lunchable. It feels good to feel alive, to have the basic instinct of hunger without the crippling stress getting in the way. Grief for me is like dying myself inside. When someone you love is no longer there for you, there’s no logical reason why you should survive that. When someone you love goes away every instinct you have inside of you begs to follow. When someone you love leaves, you don’t cry for them. You cry for yourself that you can’t go with them, that they aren’t there like they used to be. Even if they voluntarily leave you (which is worse in my opinion) you want what you know to come back.

I’ve had very understanding people around me lately. I spent the night at Kathy’s the night he left and Bruce spent a good portion of last night with me until I was ready to sleep. It was nice. He held me and we talked about nothing really. It was nice to feel normal. When I went to bed after he left I put in Memoirs of a Geisha, my comfort movie. I slept through most of it until I finally turned it off. My kitty has not left my side since it happened. He acts as if he’s never had love in his life. I think he doesn’t understand why daddy isn’t home with him anymore. He keeps pacing between me and the door, sitting for a minute and looking at it expectantly before rushing back to me when it doesn’t open. I don’t think he understands. It’s ok, kitty, I know how you feel.

I’ve updated all of my passwords, made them new. Checked on all of the bills and finances. Took him off “our” bank account. He finally answered the phone and let me know he’s ok. I suppose that’s something. Maybe from here on I can move forward and not feel like a part of me has been left behind. One day at a time, right?

Day 23 - 342 Day to Go

Stength, Hope, Pain and Justice

I just can’t wait for the time in my life where I don’t have to be strong. I’ve been strong for so long in my life that I really just want to give it away and be at peace a little while. I never really thought the opposite of strength could be contentment before but the more I think about the more it seems like that’s the logical antithesis. I don’t want weakness and I don’t want to be weak. I simply want some part of my life where I’m not struggling just to get out of bed in the morning.

Today at work felt like a year. I burst into tears for no reason, just allowing my mind to relax and all I kept thinking was how alone I was and how shitty it feels to be the woman he could leave behind without so much as a goodbye. I know I have to face the pain head on sooner or later but I guess it would just be easier to delay it for a while. It hurts so much my chest aches. I’ve been so stressed out my stomach’s been in knots and all I’ve managed to choke down were the crackers and turkey in a Lunchable in the past 24 hours.

What I wouldn’t give to have him feel this pain, to know what it feels like to be this person. What I wouldn’t give to have him know that I believed in him, trusted him, loved him as hard as I could and then to have to feel this kind of pain and betrayal and realize what sort of person I gave my heart to and how callus he was. Everything about him was a lie, hundreds of them, and he was comfortable doing it. How could he be a real man and be ok with that? How could he lie and tell me he loved me? I don’t understand a person like that?

Today was hard. Tomorrow will be less so. I’ll get further and further away from this day and eventually I’ll find the peace I’ve been begging God for. Please, Lord, if you believe in justice let him know what sort of thing he did and let him know how cruel he was. If for no other reason then maybe it’ll stop the next girl from feeling this kind of pain.

I wish I had someone who cares for me be close enough to wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s ok.

On the other side of the coin, I found a brand new moped on Craiglist for $800. It’s a 2010 that’s never been used and is still under warranty. Best of all I won’t have to insure it to drive it around the city. Now if I can manage to get it, I think a lot of my problems will be solved. I’m down, but I’m not broken. I’ve been through adversity before, taken my strength and made myself thrive. I can do it again.

Day 22 - 343 Days to Go

Yesterday's Fresh New Hell

So sorry for the lack of post yesterday. I had time but not the inclination. My boyfriend decided to leave me yesterday and did so by packing his bags and moving out while I was at work without so much as a note or goodbye or even an explanation.

When I came home to find all of his things gone, I started hyperventilating. I don't think I've ever felt a more sharp or real pain than that. And the ridiculous thing is that I just want to know if he's ok and why he felt the need to do this.

Look, I'm not as stupid as I sound. I know he's just fine and he did it without a second thought in my direction. I know it was a hurtful, immature, spiteful thing to do and that he lied to me for weeks while planning this. I know he doesn't give a care about me and how I feel. I know these things in my head. My heart doesn't seem to understand.

It's just so hard! Everytime I want to cry I just take a deep breath and remind myself that he's not worth my tears. He's not even a man. Men could not do these things to anyone, least of all people they love.

Day 21 - 344 Days to Go

My Guilty Pleasure

I'll admit it. It's not tabloids or wine. It's a TV show called True Blood. I know it's a bit over the top with the gore and the sex and the violence and in some episodes I have to cringe through it but I have to say of all the new shows I've seen it's one of the best.

I read the Sookie Stackhouse books, at least a few of them and I like that they've deviated from those story lines. Tonight I watched the Season Finale of the third season and once again I'm anxious to have more. It seems like this season was so short at only 12 episodes and I'll be waiting a full 9 months more to see it again. I hate this waiting!!!

Of course, by this point everything is getting more or less predictable. Sookie needs time with the werewolf and eric will come later. (If she doesn't get with Eric, too many people will complain.)

Still not sure what's up with Summer. I'm thinking of creepy doll chick anyway.

I LOVE LAFAYETTE!!!

Day 20 - 345 Left

Saturdays are for chumps!

No, but really, it was a long and busy day.

I was supposed to go out with a friend to go bowling which I haven't done in a really long time. Instead, I go to another friend's pampered chef party because I committed. It was fun and the recipe was delicious but I'm not sure I'll be ordering much if anything and now there's a bunch of pressure on me to host my own party so I think I'd have been better off with the bowling. *SIGH*

I had this itch tonight to go out and have some fun. I'm reasonably young. It's Saturday night. I live minutes away from this large town that boasts excellent nightlife. So why, then, am I normally stuck at home doing my after workday routine?? Pat and I were going to go to a closeby arcade and play some games and play some laser tag but in the end decided to go to a local gaming/comic store instead. I felt out of place seeing as I was surround by a bunch of socially awkward men of various ages and I was the only person with boobs (the female kind) in there by choice. The store attendant was a female but she's paid to be there so I'm not sure that counted.

We bought a duel premade deck set of Magic cards. Patrick learned to play once but I figured I'd provide a refresher. It's been a while since I played, though, and needed to brush up on some rules myself. I learned two things.

1. Socially awkward geek boys (disguised as men) make you feel very attractive no matter the actual level of your looks. &

2. Geeks are really nice provided you are sweet, have boobs, and ask nicely. Having boobs is probably optional I think.

There was this interesting game A group of boys was playing called Murder City. It looked like fun and I'm pretty good at BS.

Sleep now...

Day 19 - 346 To Go

Famous for being Famous

I'm really starting to hate this trend of people becoming famous simply because they were seen or some other fluke of circumstance. Cases in point: Kate Gosselin, Heidi and Spencer, Kevin Federline, etc etc. I'd include Lady Gaga in this list but the truth is, underneath all of the layers of freak is a woman with some modicum of talent. Also, she works for her fame providing an actual service with her singing.

As far as I can tell, none of these people have any talents or special qualities that justify their fame and yet I see them plastered everywhere. Kate Gosselin even walks to red carpet at high profile events like a celebrity. Really? This woman who's only famous for getting divorced and having a buttload of children? And after typing Who in the hell is Google handily filled in Spencer & Heidi. Also listed the Kardashians...a valid question as well. Apparently, Spencer and Heidi come from the MTV "reality" show The Hills. I use reality here meaning totally scripted and in no way believable. Ah, so Spencer and Heidi are famous for being "reality" show show dogs. Suddenly things make more sense.

It seems like all of these fake celebrities have a gimmick, something that no one should care about but everyone pays attention to. In Kevin Federline's case it's getting Britney Spears poontang (and spending a lot of money.) In the Kardashian's case it's being rich and knowing Paris Hilton, something I would know better than to brag about. They're whores, all of them, in the strictest sense. They sell themselves out for lots of money and undeserved fame. And what's worse, that means people like me that know better than to fall for the gimmick, are exposed to this tripe everywhere.

And it's not getting any better. Celebrity gossip is one of those guilty little pleasures that you protest that you don't like but devour when you have a chance. It used to be that celebrity gossip a la TMZ style was focused, satirical, and made you feel like you weren't the only person in the world capable of screwing things up for everyone to see. It was nice to see people that you felt were on another plane of existence as tangible, realistic, honest to God people.

Celebrities are supposed to be, for lack of a better purpose, role models. How can someone who's famous for marrying someone else who's famous be a role model? "Hey kids! Be like me! Sleep your way to the top because you can't do it being mediocre like I am!" or "Hey kids! I'm rich and spoiled and I don't know the meaning of hard work and don't give a damn about my body, my life, or the image I present. Be like me and you'll be popular and making your own sex tapes in no time!" Since when did having money make someone worthy of our adoration? Most of it's an accident of birth. Paris didn't work for anything. She modeled for a while, tried a terrible singing career, and acted in a couple shitty movies. It was a cute experiment for her to try to live a normal person's life a la the Simple Life.

I guess the point is and was made best by a flaming gay man on South Park. Parents, if you don't teach your kids who to emulate and idolize, they'll be influenced by the wrong people. If we stop hanging on every word about the psuedo celebs that are famous for nothing then we can stop the flow of this crap into our lives.

For that matter, I lobby that actors, singers, and football players start making a wage that's a little more decent. 20 million dollars for 12 months of filming or less? Sure, the hours suck, the strain is hard, and you have to keep yourself up but that's all part of the game. 20 million for 12 months of work is roughly 1.5 million per month. That's 375,000 per week! I don't even make 375,000 a year and I don't know many college graduates that do make that kind of money. I could live more than comfortably on 375k a year, much less a week.

Where have the priorities gone? How is it the people that support the economy, keep things running, the common laborer, makes less and is treated worse than someone who happens to have some good looks and can put themselves into various situations and respond like they think they should? I guess my thinking is that while football players are striking for better wages or whatever where is the person fighting for a pay raise increase for the person who bags your groceries? The person who stocks the store you buy from? And where are the employers fighting for the people that provide good customer service. When I was in the world of retail all I heard was that I needed to move with a "sense of urgency."

What the hell is so urgent about working at Pier 1, I ask you???

Yes, it's important to make the sale. Without the sale you cannot help the company. If you cannot help the company than there is no reason for you to be there. That's the fundamentals of business. HOWEVER, running around as if your life depended on it seems like a bit of a large leap. My life does not depend on pacing the store and helping the lack of customers. My life with not end if I'm missing a candle from the wall. Will I notice the candle and replace it? Most likely. But I'm not going to act like a woman on a mission to do so. My priority is to the customer. No one could or ever will deny that I have a way with customers. But I believe a job is something you do, not the definition of who you are.

Besides, there's no sense of company loyalty anymore on either side of the line. Employers know the simple bottom line: no matter what you do, someone else can and will do it cheaper. It's sad, cynical, and true. And employees know the reverse is true. No matter what you do, your company sees you as a number and will treat you like it. This is true in big corporations and in mom and pop stores. It all comes down to the paycheck and the pocketbook. Sure, they want the keep good employees around, but they do the least amount of work possible to do that for the sake of the pocketbook and in these times when people are desperate for jobs, they tolerate less than standard treatment for the sake of the paycheck.

It used to be people took pride in their jobs. It used to be people had a reason to take pride in their work performance. It used to be bosses worked just as hard as the employees and recognized those that excelled for the asset they were and rewarded them for it. Those kind of rewards created company loyalty. Walt Disney is a perfect example. His standards for customer service were (and still are) some of the best in the business and are still enforced very rigidly. And it used to be that the benefits reflected his appreciation for this kind of service. He wanted to create an atmosphere, stage an experience, and he rewarded the people who helped him create that vision.

Having Disney experience on your resume used to have weight to it because Walt's rules and employees were well known to be among the best. Especially the people who put a face out there for people to see. If you could hang at D-land, you were thought to be able to be able to hang anywhere. I wish this attitude of expectation and reward was a spread a little wider. If the whole supply industry got back into the business of making the customer happy and the employees were rewarded accordingly, wouldn't the economy be better off all over?

Day 18 - 347 Days to Go