I just can’t wait for the time in my life where I don’t have to be strong. I’ve been strong for so long in my life that I really just want to give it away and be at peace a little while. I never really thought the opposite of strength could be contentment before but the more I think about the more it seems like that’s the logical antithesis. I don’t want weakness and I don’t want to be weak. I simply want some part of my life where I’m not struggling just to get out of bed in the morning.
Today at work felt like a year. I burst into tears for no reason, just allowing my mind to relax and all I kept thinking was how alone I was and how shitty it feels to be the woman he could leave behind without so much as a goodbye. I know I have to face the pain head on sooner or later but I guess it would just be easier to delay it for a while. It hurts so much my chest aches. I’ve been so stressed out my stomach’s been in knots and all I’ve managed to choke down were the crackers and turkey in a Lunchable in the past 24 hours.
What I wouldn’t give to have him feel this pain, to know what it feels like to be this person. What I wouldn’t give to have him know that I believed in him, trusted him, loved him as hard as I could and then to have to feel this kind of pain and betrayal and realize what sort of person I gave my heart to and how callus he was. Everything about him was a lie, hundreds of them, and he was comfortable doing it. How could he be a real man and be ok with that? How could he lie and tell me he loved me? I don’t understand a person like that?
Today was hard. Tomorrow will be less so. I’ll get further and further away from this day and eventually I’ll find the peace I’ve been begging God for. Please, Lord, if you believe in justice let him know what sort of thing he did and let him know how cruel he was. If for no other reason then maybe it’ll stop the next girl from feeling this kind of pain.
I wish I had someone who cares for me be close enough to wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s ok.
On the other side of the coin, I found a brand new moped on Craiglist for $800. It’s a 2010 that’s never been used and is still under warranty. Best of all I won’t have to insure it to drive it around the city. Now if I can manage to get it, I think a lot of my problems will be solved. I’m down, but I’m not broken. I’ve been through adversity before, taken my strength and made myself thrive. I can do it again.
Day 22 - 343 Days to Go
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