Yesterdays AWESOME!

Yesterday was kind of the best day ever.

After months of praying, my prayers have been answered and I pretty much have a plan of how to go about improving my life. I’m SO happy!!

So my workday was hectic but I survived. I had the good news to carry me through. I got home and played D&D with some friends. (yes, I’m that chick and I’m cute!) And I had sex for the first time in the almost 2 months since Patrick left.

Now, let me clarify. I am not a generally promiscuous woman. I go into things level headed and safely but last night I needed to remember why it is I used to be so sexually confident. I needed to remember that I’m desirable as a woman and not just as a friend. And, quite frankly, I just needed the physicality of it.

When Patrick left it was a shock to me at first, but the third night I was alone in my home, walking around in my pajamas, I found myself laughing out loud. Rather than feel depressed, I felt this amazing sense of freedom!

This shouldn’t suggest that I didn’t miss him. I still do occasionally, but the largest part of my being knows I’m better off. I’d become a slave without realizing it and I was miserable. I felt like I was raising my boyfriend instead of being helped by him. To go from that feeling 24 hours a day to not feeling it at all is an IMMENSE feeling of relief, joy, and freedom!

So, in the end, I’m rediscovering myself and remembering why I don’t need a man to complete me. I learned a lesson from Patrick, the lesson of letting go. I knew he wasn’t what I needed when he came and was so immature. I should have let him leave 2 months later when he pulled a childish fit and said he wanted to go, but I didn’t. I wanted to keep trying convinced that things would change. They never did. I’ve learned that, too. Even if you want someone to change, they probably won’t. So it seems Patrick was a big opportunity for learning in my life. I only hope I learn the lessons well.

Politics vs. Capitalism 2

You know, that title from yesterday got me thinking about the general state of politics in today’s society. I’ve seen so many people against the so called Tea Party and I can’t quite figure out why. The main thing I keep seeing is fiscal responsibility as a platform and I’m thinking to myself “How can this be a bad thing?” Sure, there might be fruit loops among the bunch but name one group, anywhere, where that isn’t true. I dare you!

So, I’m pretty upset about the state of politics in America. It seems like the big money buys the election. Why is that so? Shouldn’t runners win on their own merits instead of the merits of slander and sleaze? I don’t see any ads saying “vote for me because I’m this really good guy.” Instead, I see ads saying “don’t vote for the other guy cause he’s an a-hole.” (or something similar.) Seems to me this mentality of money + douchebag = winner is the incorrect way of thinking.

I mean, if I were in charge of things, I’d do it differently. I’d ban all special interest and corporate funding. I’d ban bad ethics advertising. Let people do their own research. People say that in order to be a true democracy, everyone should be made to vote. I say that uneducated voting is just as sad and potentially dangerous. I’d say an oligarchy is a viable alternative but when oligarchy(s) (I’m sure I spelled that wrong) establish themselves, things have the potential to go very wrong. The sad truth of the matter is that if you give a group power, they’ll find a way to exploit it and lord it over those without power. Think “Animal Farm” Or, hell, even apartheid.

As it stands, now, those with money are the new power. They throw their millions around and everyone flocks to see them. Back in the 1800s you could literally buy a noble title with enough money. It wasn’t a standard transaction like going to Costco and picking up the “Nobility” card from the shelf to take to the front, but it was a transaction nonetheless. In today’s society it’s the same thing. We glorify those people that do very little (actors, athletes, etc). Making 20 million per picture or even 1 million per picture is a bit excessive even if it films over the course of a year. Same thing with athletes.

But, I digress.

The reality is that elections are more or less moot points. Bush proved it with his whole recount debacle. Money is the power and most people won’t try to do anything abut it.

Politics vs. Capitalism

So, elections are coming up soon and there’s one issue I’m torn about. In Washington, all hard alcohol is sold in state run liquor stores. There’s an initiative up to expand liquor sales to grocery and convenience stores. And, honestly, I don’t have the slightest clue on how to vote. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I have good reasons for both sides.

On the one hand, having liquor available at more locations with better hours would be amazingly convenient. Also, they’d introduce competition among stores and liquor prices wouldn’t be as ridiculously expensive as they are in the state run stores.

On the other hand, teens are teens and they think it’s cool to drink and will try to take advantage of liquor being more readily available. And if teens want to get liquor, they will. It’s next to impossible in the state run stores for that to happen. Also, the state run stores bring in much needed tax money to the state to fund programs essential to our well being. If liquor was outsourced to other stores, we’d lose this tax money revenue.

Decisions, decisions…and I’m not even a drinker.

The ABCs Of Me

A – I am, joyfully, an Auntie! I have 2 ADORABLE nieces (ages 15 mo and almost 3 respectively), and 3 Nephews (ages 8, 10, and 13). Being an Auntie is one of the most rewarding things in my life.

B – I live in Bellevue, WA

C – I have 2 cats – Artemis and Bunni

D – Driving is my zen state of being. Or, you know, I suffer from road rage…but driving down a dark, desert highway (doesn’t a song start like that?) in California is my happy place!

E – I love to Eat!! Well, and to cook, too.

F – I’m kind of a foodie, which suits the Northwest just fine!

G – My heritage is mostly German but my family doesn’t much keep with the customs of the culture.

H – I was a kind of terror in high school. I spent more time out of class than in and still managed good grades.

I – I still have a pretty active imagination which helps when I want to do some creative writing.

J – I love pretty much all things Jhonen Vasquez.

K – I used to go karaokeing all the time!

L – I’m kind of a last minute girl. I procrastinate more than I should.

M – I’ve always wanted to hear Mass said in Latin.

N – Nightmare Before Christmas is my FAVORITE movie of all time! Yay Jack!

O – I enjoy being really outgoing. I have one of those open personalities when you get me comfortable in a group.

P – I am a pretty dedicated poet. I have several works I’ve posted various places and I’ve also got some award winners under my belt.

Q – I’m dreadfully quiet around new people. The shyness lasts a while, sometimes, until I feel comfortable and then I’m outgoing.

R – I am a roleplayer (tabletop, online, etc). Yes, it’s a nerdy past time, but I like it!

S – I occasionally write my own songs.

T – Tim Burton is my HERO!

U – Underneath my exterior is someone slightly vulnerable.

V – My sister’s vegetarian tacos changed my life! They are the yummiest thing I’ve ever eaten…I beg her to make them every time I visit!

W – I love my Wii!!! It’s my favorite gaming system!!

X – ((really, I got nothing))

Y – One of my other guilty pleasures is watching all the zany crap on Youtube.

Z – I very much believe in the art of being Zen.

Sex and the School Girl

Ok, so I’m not talking about having sex as a schoolgirl. I mean, when I lost my virginity I was 18 and of a school age but I was about 2 months from graduation or less and very much my own person. But a friend of mine and I were having the sex talk last night and it got me thinking about my own personal sexual history and the people that I met along the way.

I have to say, even after all these years that Brian was my favorite sexual partner. He and I met when I was 19 and didn’t actually ever sleep together until about 2 or 3 years later. I still remember the night pretty clearly. We’d spent time walking and talking and went back to his house and talked some more. Before long I was straddling his lap and we were kissing (which we’d done before) I don’t remember who initiated the decision to cross the last line between us but whoever it was did the right thing.

When we finally came together it was like lightning. I memorized him with hands and lips and skin as he did with me. The more I knew, the more I wanted to know and doing this with him induced a feeling in me that I couldn’t ever get enough. All the years of anticipation, all the teasing and things unfulfilled between us, it served as an appetizer and I was finally feasting on the main course. It didn’t matter what we did or for how long. Time melted away. Once wasn’t enough. Nor twice. We got caught by a visiting relative (being in the living room) and even that didn’t damper our desire. Everytime we finished to put on our clothing we only ended up coming together again a short time later. And that was only the first night.

I was lucky with Brian in a lot of ways. He was one of my first partners, someone I really enjoyed being with. I was lucky in that I felt comfortable enough with him to explore a lot of my hidden desires. I knew I could ask him for anything and not be judged for it. And because of that we did a lot of things I’d always wanted to try but was too scared to ask for in previous partners. From him I got a pretty good idea of what it was I wanted and what I liked and didn’t like as much. I still did things with him I haven’t done with anyone else.

I was lucky with other partners, too. I had people I was with that helped me see different aspects of my life. Not everyone offered a unique look or level in my sex life, but since I’m pretty picky I always chose people I knew enough to trust.

Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. Now that I’m older I realized that it doesn’t take the same amount of work to attract my attention anymore. I’m older, have done what it was I wanted to do in my wild youth and now it’s harder work to get me where I used to be. Brian was lucky in that all he had to do was touch me and I was on fire. He never really had to work at getting me in the mood and he was before I started faking orgasms occasionally just to make the other person feel better. (All in all, I’m a hard person to get off.)

These days I really don’t find my sex drive diminished except in the times where I don’t have a boyfriend or dedicated partner (and those are pretty hard for me to get…as I said, I’m picky). The problem is that since there’s nothing new to explore for me sexually, it’s harder to arouse my interest. I mean, you have the new period, the part where the sexual aspect of the relationship is new, exciting, and shiny but that fades in time and I’m left back at the same place. It takes more to get the same response. I suppose it’s like a drug that way. The more you have the less it effects you as time goes on.

Sexually speaking, then, I must need someone who can push me and make me do more than I think I can. I also need someone who’s very much like me in a lot of ways. Someone who enjoys giving as much as I do and someone who enjoys the same things as I do. And please, dear God, someone CREATIVE. (yes, Brian spoiled me a bit in that department. I hardly had to mention doing so before slipping into a character and God bless him, he followed along without even skipping a beat.)

My new understanding of my sexual self is both gratifying and somewhat depressing. After you explore all of these fantasies, where do you go from there? I’m grateful to know myself but I’m wondering if I can find the sort of sexual partner I desire. If you believe in soul mates (and I’m not sure I do anymore) then of course I’ll find the man of my dreams emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. Or perhaps I’ll have to start getting used the the idea that having wonderful and gratifying sex into senility is a nice wish but unrealistic.

The Great Online Debate

You know what I really hate? Debating things with people online.

Everyone who talks/argues online falls into one of 3 categories: the smart (like moi), the people that assume they’re smart, and the people who say the most sensational thing they can think of to get attention. Needless to say, the last category is the most immature and the second category is the most pathetic.

Now, there have been some debates I’ve had online and in forums that I’ve really enjoyed because they made me think, changed my mind, or really made me work to illustrate my point. But, by and large, the people I debate with usually fall into the latter two categories. The immature people are easy to ignore. You make a good point and then they start throwing around insults. This makes it very easy to simply cut off the conversation. My biggest problems are the people from the second category.

Now, I don’t know everything and I try not to get personally invested in a debate. I enjoy playing the Devil’s Advocate and my main goal is not to win but simply to make people think. If they retain their beliefs, it’s fine. If they learn something, so much the better.

I’ve found, though, that formatting my arguments is usually a waste of time. The way I understand debate is to take the competitor’s argument and counter it with points contrary to theirs and support your stance with evidence. Seems like a logical way to argue, really. Everything is supported. But when I’m in the forums, I find people that don’t support their claims with facts and don’t even bother with anything more than opinion. And, when cornered by logic, begin a personal attack on whoever is making the sense.

*sigh*

When will I learn that there’s a difference between Devil’s Advocate and Glutton for Punishment?

Pregnancy and Friendship

So I found out recently that a friend of mine and her husband are expecting another child and had planned for it. Normally, this would not bother me in the slightest until I considered the friend. The friend in question has been my friend since high school. She is a raving co-dependant and coupled up with this much older (12 years I think) guy when he got her pregnant. Since then they have 2 very beautiful little girls that are school age.

Now my problem is this. On their facebook sites I’m always seeing my friend complaining about finances. She’s talking about having no food in the house but she can’t go grocery shopping until her husband comes home with the advance on his pay. Or she tells everyone that their phone is getting turned off for a few days but they can still manage to play WoW or, later, City of Villains. Both are MMORPGs and carry a monthly subscription fee.

Now, I’ve known my friend was pregnant for a while and sat on the knowledge without saying a word for a LONG time. But finally, the topic was brought up last night and I said how I felt. She must have told her husband because the next thing I know he’s spouting off on his Facebook asking why people have to be concerned about their business. Everyone, not just me, told him that they were concerned about the family finances.

To me, it’s just selfishness. They planned for a baby because they wanted to have one but they didn’t plan for it in any way other than not being surprised when she turned up pregnant. They didn’t talk about their finances. They didn’t talk about living spaces. They didn’t talk about anything that most normal people talk about in the planning stages of a new life. They assume WIC and Welfare will get them through. And, you know, it may but how fair is that that people who work hard contribute have to their irresponsibility??

Anyway, it’s gotten me upset but if I’m not their friend for expressing real concerns about bringing a life into the world in their financial condition, then I’ll never be a good friend to them. Good friends don’t keep their mouths shut when they see something wrong. They tell the truth even at the risk of upsetting their friends because they want to help their friends see what they see. The people that stay silent don’t really care.

Day 56 - 309 Days to Go