I found out sometime tonight that someone I'd been intimate with a few years ago committed suicide yesterday. I'm shocked and saddened by this and can't help but wonder if I had made more of an effort to keep in touch if he'd have done the same thing. Getting that kind of call is never easy and I mourn with anyone who knows that to be true.
Matt had his issues and I knew it even when we met. He was prone to depression and moodiness but his medication kept him generally level. My heart, more than anything, grieves for the daughter he left behind and the heartache his ex-wife must feel and will continue to feel when her baby gets old enough to ask questions about her father.
I never told Brian I'd slept with Matt. I didn't even know I would until it had happened. It was a brief period in my life and I had feelings for Brian so I was somewhat scared to admit I'd slept with his best friend. Really, how does one do that without sounding horrible? I guess that's a secret I'll take to my grave. Considering Brian and I have never really been friends (or, at least, not since we met) I'm really not sure if telling him would end the friendship. I don't know why but I'm still hesitant to let go.
Brian and I have this entire relationship thing. When we met I was in college, studying all of the basic freshman courses. He worked in the computer lab as an assistant and we met. I think it's fair to say we were attracted to each other instantly though technically I was engaged to my ex-husband. And from there I really came to care about the vibrant guy I'd met.
But our friendship has always been rocky at best. We've had good moments and horrible ones and we've parted ways so many times only to come back together again. I can't really say for sure whether I should hold onto him or not. Even though we speak now, occasionally, I'm still not sure.
I've had a lot to think about since last night...
Oh, and on top of that my fish died, too.
Day 45 - 320 Days to go
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