Ok, so I’m not talking about having sex as a schoolgirl. I mean, when I lost my virginity I was 18 and of a school age but I was about 2 months from graduation or less and very much my own person. But a friend of mine and I were having the sex talk last night and it got me thinking about my own personal sexual history and the people that I met along the way.
I have to say, even after all these years that Brian was my favorite sexual partner. He and I met when I was 19 and didn’t actually ever sleep together until about 2 or 3 years later. I still remember the night pretty clearly. We’d spent time walking and talking and went back to his house and talked some more. Before long I was straddling his lap and we were kissing (which we’d done before) I don’t remember who initiated the decision to cross the last line between us but whoever it was did the right thing.
When we finally came together it was like lightning. I memorized him with hands and lips and skin as he did with me. The more I knew, the more I wanted to know and doing this with him induced a feeling in me that I couldn’t ever get enough. All the years of anticipation, all the teasing and things unfulfilled between us, it served as an appetizer and I was finally feasting on the main course. It didn’t matter what we did or for how long. Time melted away. Once wasn’t enough. Nor twice. We got caught by a visiting relative (being in the living room) and even that didn’t damper our desire. Everytime we finished to put on our clothing we only ended up coming together again a short time later. And that was only the first night.
I was lucky with Brian in a lot of ways. He was one of my first partners, someone I really enjoyed being with. I was lucky in that I felt comfortable enough with him to explore a lot of my hidden desires. I knew I could ask him for anything and not be judged for it. And because of that we did a lot of things I’d always wanted to try but was too scared to ask for in previous partners. From him I got a pretty good idea of what it was I wanted and what I liked and didn’t like as much. I still did things with him I haven’t done with anyone else.
I was lucky with other partners, too. I had people I was with that helped me see different aspects of my life. Not everyone offered a unique look or level in my sex life, but since I’m pretty picky I always chose people I knew enough to trust.
Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. Now that I’m older I realized that it doesn’t take the same amount of work to attract my attention anymore. I’m older, have done what it was I wanted to do in my wild youth and now it’s harder work to get me where I used to be. Brian was lucky in that all he had to do was touch me and I was on fire. He never really had to work at getting me in the mood and he was before I started faking orgasms occasionally just to make the other person feel better. (All in all, I’m a hard person to get off.)
These days I really don’t find my sex drive diminished except in the times where I don’t have a boyfriend or dedicated partner (and those are pretty hard for me to get…as I said, I’m picky). The problem is that since there’s nothing new to explore for me sexually, it’s harder to arouse my interest. I mean, you have the new period, the part where the sexual aspect of the relationship is new, exciting, and shiny but that fades in time and I’m left back at the same place. It takes more to get the same response. I suppose it’s like a drug that way. The more you have the less it effects you as time goes on.
Sexually speaking, then, I must need someone who can push me and make me do more than I think I can. I also need someone who’s very much like me in a lot of ways. Someone who enjoys giving as much as I do and someone who enjoys the same things as I do. And please, dear God, someone CREATIVE. (yes, Brian spoiled me a bit in that department. I hardly had to mention doing so before slipping into a character and God bless him, he followed along without even skipping a beat.)
My new understanding of my sexual self is both gratifying and somewhat depressing. After you explore all of these fantasies, where do you go from there? I’m grateful to know myself but I’m wondering if I can find the sort of sexual partner I desire. If you believe in soul mates (and I’m not sure I do anymore) then of course I’ll find the man of my dreams emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. Or perhaps I’ll have to start getting used the the idea that having wonderful and gratifying sex into senility is a nice wish but unrealistic.
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