My New Sewing Project

So I've started a new sewing project pictured at the left. I'm making custom canvas bags in a quilting cabin block pattern. This is attempt number 2 and is much cleaner looking than attempt number 1.

This one happens to be for my sister and while the colors didn't come out as much as I'd have liked in the picture, I used a dark chocolate brown, a light green in a sponge pattern, and a brown and green plaid with black canvas matting and backing. Overall, it turned out rather wonderful. I need to work on straighter seams but I don't think my sister will notice.

If I ever get really good, I'll try to start selling them online and see what comes of that. Paypal is my friend!!

Day 37 - 328 Days to Go

The Bella Swan Curse on Women

Subtitled: Why Twilight Sucks

So I'm sure I've said this before to other people in other places but I think that Twilight has been one of the single worst influences in recent American history. I had a friend of mine tell me he took a 29 year old woman out on a date and over the course of dinner she mentioned she wants a man that "makes me feel like Bella Swan." He ended the date shortly after that and told me he couldn't think of a thing to say in response. Thankfully, I wasn't there. I'd have had a response but I don't think she'd have liked it.

I mean, honestly, when a woman says they want to feel like Bella Swan does that mean they want to feel controlled, weak, unrealistic, and shallow?

And it's not that I'm against vampire novels or even vampire romance novels. And I'm certainly not against teenage vampire romance novels. I read and enjoyed the entire Christopher Pike "Last Vampire" series. Not to mention most of Anne Rice and assorted other lesser known vampire novels. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in vampires and their romances.

The problem is that these novels convince me of two things. The first is that Stephanie Meyer should be ashamed that this is what she presents to the world of literature as a well thought out plot, well developed characters, and a realistic basis for a novel (even one about vampires and werewolves.) The second is that Stephanie Meyer should never write another word again.

So onto the meat of the matter.

My main problem with this set of novels is that little girls, teens, and even grown women are taking Bella Swan and making her a basis for comparison and emulation in their lives when Bella is not a realistic or likeable character. They spend time looking for their own "Edward" when he's nothing more than a controlling misogynist and textbook abuser. Perhaps it is the misconception of the author that these are the things to look for in a mate. Perhaps she labors under the misconception that women should be dominated and controlled, not allowed to make any decisions. I, on the other hand, think women should not be silent and that relationships can only work when they are a pair of equals.

*sigh* Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer. Fuck you, Edward Cullen. And a special mega-fuck you, Bella Swan.

Day 36 - 329 Days to Go

Today's Awesomeness!

Today was a great day!

My adopted dad came to visit from California and is spending 2 weeks here! We had sushi in my favorite place and I got a new sewing machine for my new sewing projects in mind. I'm so excited!! I can't wait to spend time with someone who shares my interests and loves the things I do!

I watched Dr. Parnassus's Imaginarium tonight and I wasn't very thrilled. The imagination land scenes were amazing. The storyline left me wanting. Memoirs of a Geisha is playing in the background now. Yay comfort movie!

Day 35 - 330 Days to Go

Racial Stereotypes

Now before I begin let me clarify that I know a great many stereotypes aren't true. Not all black people like fried chicken and believe in being "ghetto fabulous" and not all white people eat mayonnaise and enjoy golf. Those things are not always true, just like a great many other stereotypes I haven't mentioned for different races.

On the other hand, it seems like sometimes the stereotypes are true and are perpetuated by the race they engender. Such as: many people of middle eastern decent drive taxi cabs. I don't know why they do it but it seems like every cab I've ever been in (save possibly 1 or 2) has been driven by a middle eastern man (never women) and this puzzles me.

I've never seen this stereotype used in a negative light but is that really the only thing out there?? It seems to me you'd want to try to find something else to break that stereotype, you know? I mean, they even make fun of it in "You Don't Mess With The Zohan."

I dunno, it's just my interesting thought of the day...why do some people resent stereotypes and others embrace them?

Day 34 - 331 Days to Go

Ins and Outs

The upstairs neighbors refer to me as Auntie to their daughter despite the fact that I've only ever spent maybe an hour with the child. I don't mind much. That seems to be my role with children - Auntie.

I've started keeping track of what I eat now, in the hopes that I might start losing weight.

There's a hill next to my house. It's a very steep grade. I've made a vow to walk up and down it every night. I'll stop where I need to and continue on until it gets easier and easier. I'm horribly out of shape. I think that has something to do with my office job. I start in the middle of the day and when I get off I just want to make dinner and relax.

I really want to get into shape again. Hopefully I can now that I've made up my mind to.

Day 33 - 332 Days to Go

WOO HOO! It's Friday Again!

I'm excited for the weekend. Can't you tell??

As far as work days go, today was relatively easy. People left me mostly the hell alone. That's part of why I like Fridays. No one is ever in the office. All the same, I felt like I was playing catch up most of the day, anyway. Kathy will be back in the office on Monday and I didn't want to be too far behind when she returned. As it is I have a buttload of filing to do when I get into work on Monday.

This weekend the big boss is coming over for dinner with her dog. I'm thinking of going simply with dinner. Baked chicken, mushroom couscous and some vegetable.

Wayne gets here on Tuesday and I'm SO EXCITED!!!

Day 32 - 333 Days to Go

Modern Day Dating

So whatever happened to the idea that a guy saw a girl, liked her, and asked her on a date? He picked her up, took her to dinner and a movie, and then dropped her off at home without asking for anything in return but her company. What was so bad about that arrangement, anyway? It used to be guys were polite and chivalrous. They brought you flowers on a first date. Were very patient and didn't press you for anything you didn't want to give. Dating used to be in the hands of the women. Now dating is little more than going to a bar and finding someone to go home with.

How did we get to this?

I miss the good ol' days when it was ok to go on dates with multiple men. You'd go out, have some fun, and then come home again. Dating was supposed to be the process by which you determined what you wanted in a man and in your life and it helped you determine whose qualities suited yours the best. Dating used to be the great yardstick of love. Now everyone pushes themselves to settle into relationships too soon and spends so much of their time with the wrong guy while the right one passes them by because they weren't free.

It's not that I'm against monogamy. And it's not that I'm against relationships. I think a healthy, loving relationship is a wonderful thing! I just don't think it's something to be taken lightly. I'm guilty of it myself, allowing myself to fall into the comfortable habit of being with one person exclusively before I really know if they're the person I want to really be with. I know what it's like to dread waiting for that "one" to fall into your lap.

I just think that if we got back into that dating mentality, Not the "I want to get into your pants" mentality, there would be a lot less divorce in this world. From high school on we pretty much train ourselves to be in that one person at a time desire. Part of being in this world is experiencing what it has to offer us! Part of that is really searching ourselves and deciding what we want and need through trial and error!

I guess it took me a long time to learn the hard way. Yes, I still want to be in that comfortable relationship. Yes, I still have the intense desire to have someone to curl up to in the middle of the night. But I'm not going to allow myself to settle anymore for anyone I'm not sure I have a really good shot of making it last with. I want to break this cycle. I want to experience dating and I want a gentleman above all. I miss that kind of courtesy. I'm not going to be all trite and stupid and say I deserve to be treated like a goddess or whatever. I am going to say I deserve to be treated like a lady, since that is what I am.

Day 31 - 334 Days To Go

I could never be your woman

Today has been a very interesting day. I made a bridal shower game thing for my boss. I got into a debate with a bunch of braindead retards, and had some good times working and talking to people. I woke up too early this morning cause I was a moron and kept thinking going in early meant being here at 8 am instead of 9. So I set my alarm an hour early to compensate.

So I arrived at work 15 minutes early, half awake and stumbling. It's ok, though, I get to camp in Kathy's office this week since she's on vacation. It gives me my own space without letting anyone else come crashing in. When she's gone I don't feel like I'm in my fishbowl cubicle. In this way, I think I get more done.

Also, why is it people bother to argue with other people online? I don't mean debating. I enjoy debate. I mean all out arguing cause they can't debate. I made a comment on this post on facebook for a public group. It was a simple enough post, nothing to it. It was simply my opinion. Someone else made a completely asinine comment and I replied to it. Suddenly I found myself being accused of things I didn't do like defaming this woman's character, being a bitch, a lunatic, etc all for making a simple comment.

Every time I made an argument, I supported it with evidence as I am accustomed to doing. Everytime they made remarks they were personal attacks on my character or outright lies. When I asked them to prove their argument they couldn't and the attacks got more violent (ie cussing and such) and more people joined in.

What is it about stupid people that attracts more stupid people??? Oh, well. Lesson learned. No more debates online with stupid people.

Day 30 - 335 Days to Go

Interesting Thoughts

I've spent a lot of tonight thinking about myself and the path that I want to take in the future. I have so many things I want to do, businesses I'd like to start and places I want to visit and sometimes it seems like I don't have enough life to do it all. I know everything starts somewhere, though, and it's all up to me.

I remain hopeful, however, that things will work out for the best. My early work day is tomorrow and I'm not particularly looking forward to it. With Kathy out on vacation things are a lot more hectic for me. Everytime I cover for her I gain a new appreciation for just how taxing her job is. It makes me think that I would think twice before taking her job if she ever retires. I'd like to think by then I'll have moved onto bigger and better things.

Either way, it's getting late and I should sleep. Goodnight, bloggers. May the clacking of keyboards guide thee to thy sleep!

Day 29 - 336 Days to Go

Cocoa Puffs

In other words, I'm coocoo!

So I've been staying at home most of the time watching TV with my cat since Patrick left on Monday. I'm contemplating going out and being social but something in my stomach seems to prevent me from going all gung ho on that idea. It's not that I want a new boyfriend or anything but there's nothing inside of me that really wants to see any men in a romantic light.

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I woke up and went outside to see a bunch of Redbox machines lined up in my driveway. There had to have been about 20 of them out there all with cardboard "Out of Order" signs. As I weaved my way through the machines I saw racks of movies on display, titles I'd never heard of. I began to take certain movies that caught my interest. And then I was standing in a grocery store and started picking up things from there, looking for specific items. My basket was full and I saw my dad playing poker in the middle of the store.

I kept searching for things, moving all over this gargantuan store. And then somehow found more and more things to go back and look for. After a long time of looking among all these people I ended up leaving the store and ending up in downtown Anaheim. Disneyland was there and that's where I went but it was different than it was supposed to be. I wandered around and things were dark, creepy. Near the entrance I saw a group of puppets. They were small, and working hard on something. I got the feeling they were enslaved by the park and totally willing to make someone else pay for it.

I ran away and got on a ride. They sat this prince beside me and it was a huge deal! He was cute in a blond haired - blue eyed kind of way and we seemed to have a lot in common. We were getting along just fine, finding ourselves attracted to eachother when he reaches over and bites my neck. While he's going all vampire on me I'm torn between the pain and pleasure of it all. His parents are frantic, telling him it's too soon or something and disapproving of me. We get off the ride and run for it, ending up back in downtown Anaheim at a mall. It's huge and reminds me of New York.

We duck through the crowd and I know my neck is bruised if not bleeding but no one seems to notice. I'm breathless and ask to stop a while. We rest and he looks at me. I reach out to hug him and he falls on me again, biting my neck and draining my blood. I'm scared and excited and confused all at once. I ask him why he's doing this and he tells me that he's found his mate. That word caught my attention, mate. Reminds me of a dog or something. I ask him if he's found a mate why he's doing this, biting my neck. He tells me that it's the only way to combine our souls forever.

Then my alarm clock went off. I'm sure Dr. Freud would have a field day with this dream but I think its indicative of the two main sources of thought I've had lately: my lack of men and love and Angel the TV show. *sigh* I need a life.

Day 28 - 337 Days to Go

Recent Trend

In my very recent blogs there has been this trend of love, loss and relationships reflective of my experiences over the past week or so. In fact, it's been one week today that he left me and I feel as if I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm not going to go out and find a new boyfriend or anything but I'm far from broken, too. Either way, I guess, it all works out.

But this whole experience has made me wonder if I've ever loved anyone at all, or if I'm even capable of love. Anyone who reads this and really knows me might look at me in shock but I really do wonder if somehow, deep inside, I'm broken. I started thinking this way when I first learned of the grief process.

When I was in high school I was involved with Peer Mediation and took the class which was a very basic intro to psychology. Somewhere in the first semester we learned about the stages of grief. At the time I thought it was weird but I never actually gave it much thought since I hadn't really lost anyone all that important to me at the time. It wasn't until years later, just a few weeks after I turned 21, that the power of grief really hit home for me. I lost my grandfather to a very hard battle of cancer.

At the time I remember laying in the bathtub crying, hurting so much I couldn't see straight. I'd only seen him once since he'd been hospitalized and that was for all of an hour. For a long time after he was diagnosed I was in San Francisco going to culinary school. I was told that he asked for me a lot but I didn't know how serious it was. When I came home I begged my mother to take me to see him and she did, finally, but told me that we weren't staying long since she doesn't like hospitals and didn't want to see him like that. That was something I don't think I ever forgave her for.

My grandfather and I had always been close. While he chain-smoked in the back yard I'd listen to him "rumble" (as he called it.) about projects he'd been working on and his past in the military and in Japan. I'd talk to him about my fights with my mother and my horrible choices in men. He was one of those remarkable people that never once told you that you handled a situation the wrong way, he simply suggested that you could have done it better. He always made me feel as though I weren't the stupid child I was but somehow something a little better. I look back on our conversations now and I see just how much of a child I was back then and how I wish I'd spoken to him of something with more substance.

I found out he'd died one night after work. It was a Monday. I'd just met my Greg friend starting this new job and it had actually been a really good night. When the phone rang some time after closing I didn't give it much thought. The restaurant owner's wife picked it up and spoke for a few minutes. I went on cleaning and didn't pay any attention until she approached me and told me my mother was going to be giving me a ride home from work that night. I immediately knew he was dead. I normally walked the mile home and it was down the main street in town, well lit and generally safe.

His wife didn't say a word on why but I knew anyway. I asked her if he was dead and she shook her head. "I'm so sorry." she said but I felt lost from that moment and didn't really understand her. Greg came out from the kitchen and I went out front, crying and waiting while he held me. I think that's why Greg and I have always been so close. We met and he was there for me through a very important loss in my life. Anyway, I remember riding home and my mother telling he that he'd died and that it was a good thing because he'd left before he had a chance to be in a lot of pain. I went in the house and ran a tubful of hot water and just soaked in it, crying softly. I didn't sleep very well that night. But less than three days later I started functioning again. I still missed him but I knew there was life outside of my bedroom.

It's been this way through every loss I've ever had. It's been a super short grieving period and I've skipped most of the steps. With my grandfather I had the shock, denial, possibly depression (though it was super short as far as depressions go) and then acceptance.

I asked my teacher about it when I was in the class since every loss I'd ever had was a minor one and my grieving time was short. She told me it was normal from some people to skip steps in the process but that most periods of grieving take from a few weeks to a few years sometimes. From this I gathered I was mostly not normal. Since then I have wondered if it's possible I never loved anyone at all.

You see, losing Patrick this past week was hard the first day or two but after that I was fine. I am fine. It's been widely agreed on that I wasn't in love with him. From previous entries I've explained why I believe this to be true. And since Grief is the process by which our minds and hearts cope with loss and the trauma losing someone does to us does it mean you don't love someone when losing them causes you relatively little trauma?

Losing my grandfather was hard on me. There were moments I thought of him and cried. Does this mean I still mourned for him all these years later or did I mourn for my own loss, not being able to talk to him or hug him. There are those that say it's unusual not to mourn that long. Others say there's nothing wrong with me and that the mourning period is different for each person. There is no definitive. Does this mean love is in my own hands? Have I loved because I believe I have or is love something more powerful, a force that makes itself known beyond a shadow of a doubt? What is this ineffable force in life?

Perhaps I'll never know but I will keep working toward it.

Day 27 - 338 Days to Go

Cleaning as Therapy

So on my first weekend of freedom I have chosen to clean my house from top to bottom. I washed the sheets, scrubbed the counters, Fabreezed the sofa, etc. I put on whatever music I wanted to listen to and zenned out making the place I call home sparkle. It was a therapeutic release, more than anything. I got to pick whatever music I wanted to listen to. I got to absorb myself into the act of cleaning the pain out of my life and leaving myself with a polished surface again.

Some women cut their hair. I choose to clean.

It was nice. It seemed like the more I got things to the point I wanted them to be at, the more I asserted myself out from under this rock I've been flattened by. The more of me I brought back out into the light the more I wanted to put out there. Like a flower emerging through the snow. You'd think the bitter cold would be enough to kill it but still it grows, blooming despite all odds to the contrary.

And, besides, I know I'm not heartbroken. I think I fell out of love with Patrick a long time ago. In December when he told me he didn't love me and he was leaving, I know I didn't ever recover my trust for him. I think, now, that I never recovered my love for him. It's not that I didn't love him, it's just that I think I forced myself to be out of love with him in that place and I never got it back. He always had one foot out the door and I knew it. Some people just can't grow in adversity. Thankfully, I know I can.

Autumn is coming to the great Northwest again and I'm happy to be surrounded by the damp, gray days of Fall. I've always been one of those chicks that really thrives when the rain is falling. I know I'm weird for it but I can't help it! There's just something about staring at the world being drenched in rain that makes me happy and allows me to be surrounded by green for most of the year. So screw the crap!

Day 26 - 339 To Go

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The longer I think about it the longer I wonder if I actually would give up my memories if I had the choice to. If you had the power to rid yourself of any painful subject or any bad memory theoretically your life would never be touched by pain again. On the other hand giving up the bad means losing the appreciation for the good in life. Not to mention losing some of those parts of you directly tied to times of trial.

For instance: I was abused as a child for quite a long time. If I chose to rid myself of that I could save myself from the defining trauma of my life. However, if I did that I'd never have learned what strength I had inside of me or how to persevere despite high odds and difficult times.

And in relationships I could forget the horrible people that have used and hurt me but then I'd never know what to look for in the right man. The more I'd forget, the more I'd have to forget. So, really, what is the price of forgetting?

Day 25 - 340 to Go

Erasing The Last Year

I did the last two things I needed to do today. I took down his picture from my desk wall and I took his name off the answering machine. It's no longer Lauren and Patrick. Now it's just Lauren. It's so strange because I feel I'm literally wiping the slate clean on the last year and a half of my life. I'm erasing all of him from where he's been for the last year. He even left the mug I bought him from Disneyland behind.

For the first time last night I realized that my house is just that - mine! It was such a surreal sensation. I've lived with someone for so long it's strange and freeing to have only my cat now! I can watch whatever I want. Play whatever music I want. Be whoever I want to be! I keep telling people I'll be ok but I think today is the first time I really believe it. I feel like I'm slowly returning to human, that is, I'm coming alive again.

I still have my moments. Usually late at night when I get the urge to roll over and snuggle myself into his arms. Those times are hard. It's still nice to feel the overwhelming support and love of those around me. I've has such a wonderful support system even though most of them are 2 states away or more! Thank God for Facebook.

I even put on makeup for work today. Not the full nine yards, mind you, but enough that I look pretty and feel like I'm getting back to "me".

Day 24 - 341 To Go

The Aftermath

Having been through horrendously hard breakups quite a few times in my life, I sort of think I’m an expert on how I handle them and the stages of grief I go through. I’m not gonna preach about grief being a process but for me, I feel it strongly and it’s hard. Even if you know it’s coming, it’s still a shock when it happens. You feel like the air’s been knocked out of you. As a friend of mine said, your heart is like a sponge. When something like this happens it feels like the sponge has been emptied, wrung out for good, but slowly your heart absorbs the love around it and becomes full again.

Right now I’m in that horrible awkward phase. I keep expecting him to come home, knock on the door and tell me how much of a fool he was and how much he misses me. At this point it wouldn’t do any good (I think) I’d like to think I wouldn’t even consider taking him back if he were here asking me but I know myself and I know that I still love him so I can’t trust that I wouldn’t follow my heart in the moment. Later on, I might be more solid knowing I wouldn’t give into the more emotional response.

Still, I’m starting to get my appetite back. Today I’m even able to eat the cheese in my Lunchable. It feels good to feel alive, to have the basic instinct of hunger without the crippling stress getting in the way. Grief for me is like dying myself inside. When someone you love is no longer there for you, there’s no logical reason why you should survive that. When someone you love goes away every instinct you have inside of you begs to follow. When someone you love leaves, you don’t cry for them. You cry for yourself that you can’t go with them, that they aren’t there like they used to be. Even if they voluntarily leave you (which is worse in my opinion) you want what you know to come back.

I’ve had very understanding people around me lately. I spent the night at Kathy’s the night he left and Bruce spent a good portion of last night with me until I was ready to sleep. It was nice. He held me and we talked about nothing really. It was nice to feel normal. When I went to bed after he left I put in Memoirs of a Geisha, my comfort movie. I slept through most of it until I finally turned it off. My kitty has not left my side since it happened. He acts as if he’s never had love in his life. I think he doesn’t understand why daddy isn’t home with him anymore. He keeps pacing between me and the door, sitting for a minute and looking at it expectantly before rushing back to me when it doesn’t open. I don’t think he understands. It’s ok, kitty, I know how you feel.

I’ve updated all of my passwords, made them new. Checked on all of the bills and finances. Took him off “our” bank account. He finally answered the phone and let me know he’s ok. I suppose that’s something. Maybe from here on I can move forward and not feel like a part of me has been left behind. One day at a time, right?

Day 23 - 342 Day to Go

Stength, Hope, Pain and Justice

I just can’t wait for the time in my life where I don’t have to be strong. I’ve been strong for so long in my life that I really just want to give it away and be at peace a little while. I never really thought the opposite of strength could be contentment before but the more I think about the more it seems like that’s the logical antithesis. I don’t want weakness and I don’t want to be weak. I simply want some part of my life where I’m not struggling just to get out of bed in the morning.

Today at work felt like a year. I burst into tears for no reason, just allowing my mind to relax and all I kept thinking was how alone I was and how shitty it feels to be the woman he could leave behind without so much as a goodbye. I know I have to face the pain head on sooner or later but I guess it would just be easier to delay it for a while. It hurts so much my chest aches. I’ve been so stressed out my stomach’s been in knots and all I’ve managed to choke down were the crackers and turkey in a Lunchable in the past 24 hours.

What I wouldn’t give to have him feel this pain, to know what it feels like to be this person. What I wouldn’t give to have him know that I believed in him, trusted him, loved him as hard as I could and then to have to feel this kind of pain and betrayal and realize what sort of person I gave my heart to and how callus he was. Everything about him was a lie, hundreds of them, and he was comfortable doing it. How could he be a real man and be ok with that? How could he lie and tell me he loved me? I don’t understand a person like that?

Today was hard. Tomorrow will be less so. I’ll get further and further away from this day and eventually I’ll find the peace I’ve been begging God for. Please, Lord, if you believe in justice let him know what sort of thing he did and let him know how cruel he was. If for no other reason then maybe it’ll stop the next girl from feeling this kind of pain.

I wish I had someone who cares for me be close enough to wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s ok.

On the other side of the coin, I found a brand new moped on Craiglist for $800. It’s a 2010 that’s never been used and is still under warranty. Best of all I won’t have to insure it to drive it around the city. Now if I can manage to get it, I think a lot of my problems will be solved. I’m down, but I’m not broken. I’ve been through adversity before, taken my strength and made myself thrive. I can do it again.

Day 22 - 343 Days to Go

Yesterday's Fresh New Hell

So sorry for the lack of post yesterday. I had time but not the inclination. My boyfriend decided to leave me yesterday and did so by packing his bags and moving out while I was at work without so much as a note or goodbye or even an explanation.

When I came home to find all of his things gone, I started hyperventilating. I don't think I've ever felt a more sharp or real pain than that. And the ridiculous thing is that I just want to know if he's ok and why he felt the need to do this.

Look, I'm not as stupid as I sound. I know he's just fine and he did it without a second thought in my direction. I know it was a hurtful, immature, spiteful thing to do and that he lied to me for weeks while planning this. I know he doesn't give a care about me and how I feel. I know these things in my head. My heart doesn't seem to understand.

It's just so hard! Everytime I want to cry I just take a deep breath and remind myself that he's not worth my tears. He's not even a man. Men could not do these things to anyone, least of all people they love.

Day 21 - 344 Days to Go

My Guilty Pleasure

I'll admit it. It's not tabloids or wine. It's a TV show called True Blood. I know it's a bit over the top with the gore and the sex and the violence and in some episodes I have to cringe through it but I have to say of all the new shows I've seen it's one of the best.

I read the Sookie Stackhouse books, at least a few of them and I like that they've deviated from those story lines. Tonight I watched the Season Finale of the third season and once again I'm anxious to have more. It seems like this season was so short at only 12 episodes and I'll be waiting a full 9 months more to see it again. I hate this waiting!!!

Of course, by this point everything is getting more or less predictable. Sookie needs time with the werewolf and eric will come later. (If she doesn't get with Eric, too many people will complain.)

Still not sure what's up with Summer. I'm thinking of creepy doll chick anyway.

I LOVE LAFAYETTE!!!

Day 20 - 345 Left

Saturdays are for chumps!

No, but really, it was a long and busy day.

I was supposed to go out with a friend to go bowling which I haven't done in a really long time. Instead, I go to another friend's pampered chef party because I committed. It was fun and the recipe was delicious but I'm not sure I'll be ordering much if anything and now there's a bunch of pressure on me to host my own party so I think I'd have been better off with the bowling. *SIGH*

I had this itch tonight to go out and have some fun. I'm reasonably young. It's Saturday night. I live minutes away from this large town that boasts excellent nightlife. So why, then, am I normally stuck at home doing my after workday routine?? Pat and I were going to go to a closeby arcade and play some games and play some laser tag but in the end decided to go to a local gaming/comic store instead. I felt out of place seeing as I was surround by a bunch of socially awkward men of various ages and I was the only person with boobs (the female kind) in there by choice. The store attendant was a female but she's paid to be there so I'm not sure that counted.

We bought a duel premade deck set of Magic cards. Patrick learned to play once but I figured I'd provide a refresher. It's been a while since I played, though, and needed to brush up on some rules myself. I learned two things.

1. Socially awkward geek boys (disguised as men) make you feel very attractive no matter the actual level of your looks. &

2. Geeks are really nice provided you are sweet, have boobs, and ask nicely. Having boobs is probably optional I think.

There was this interesting game A group of boys was playing called Murder City. It looked like fun and I'm pretty good at BS.

Sleep now...

Day 19 - 346 To Go

Famous for being Famous

I'm really starting to hate this trend of people becoming famous simply because they were seen or some other fluke of circumstance. Cases in point: Kate Gosselin, Heidi and Spencer, Kevin Federline, etc etc. I'd include Lady Gaga in this list but the truth is, underneath all of the layers of freak is a woman with some modicum of talent. Also, she works for her fame providing an actual service with her singing.

As far as I can tell, none of these people have any talents or special qualities that justify their fame and yet I see them plastered everywhere. Kate Gosselin even walks to red carpet at high profile events like a celebrity. Really? This woman who's only famous for getting divorced and having a buttload of children? And after typing Who in the hell is Google handily filled in Spencer & Heidi. Also listed the Kardashians...a valid question as well. Apparently, Spencer and Heidi come from the MTV "reality" show The Hills. I use reality here meaning totally scripted and in no way believable. Ah, so Spencer and Heidi are famous for being "reality" show show dogs. Suddenly things make more sense.

It seems like all of these fake celebrities have a gimmick, something that no one should care about but everyone pays attention to. In Kevin Federline's case it's getting Britney Spears poontang (and spending a lot of money.) In the Kardashian's case it's being rich and knowing Paris Hilton, something I would know better than to brag about. They're whores, all of them, in the strictest sense. They sell themselves out for lots of money and undeserved fame. And what's worse, that means people like me that know better than to fall for the gimmick, are exposed to this tripe everywhere.

And it's not getting any better. Celebrity gossip is one of those guilty little pleasures that you protest that you don't like but devour when you have a chance. It used to be that celebrity gossip a la TMZ style was focused, satirical, and made you feel like you weren't the only person in the world capable of screwing things up for everyone to see. It was nice to see people that you felt were on another plane of existence as tangible, realistic, honest to God people.

Celebrities are supposed to be, for lack of a better purpose, role models. How can someone who's famous for marrying someone else who's famous be a role model? "Hey kids! Be like me! Sleep your way to the top because you can't do it being mediocre like I am!" or "Hey kids! I'm rich and spoiled and I don't know the meaning of hard work and don't give a damn about my body, my life, or the image I present. Be like me and you'll be popular and making your own sex tapes in no time!" Since when did having money make someone worthy of our adoration? Most of it's an accident of birth. Paris didn't work for anything. She modeled for a while, tried a terrible singing career, and acted in a couple shitty movies. It was a cute experiment for her to try to live a normal person's life a la the Simple Life.

I guess the point is and was made best by a flaming gay man on South Park. Parents, if you don't teach your kids who to emulate and idolize, they'll be influenced by the wrong people. If we stop hanging on every word about the psuedo celebs that are famous for nothing then we can stop the flow of this crap into our lives.

For that matter, I lobby that actors, singers, and football players start making a wage that's a little more decent. 20 million dollars for 12 months of filming or less? Sure, the hours suck, the strain is hard, and you have to keep yourself up but that's all part of the game. 20 million for 12 months of work is roughly 1.5 million per month. That's 375,000 per week! I don't even make 375,000 a year and I don't know many college graduates that do make that kind of money. I could live more than comfortably on 375k a year, much less a week.

Where have the priorities gone? How is it the people that support the economy, keep things running, the common laborer, makes less and is treated worse than someone who happens to have some good looks and can put themselves into various situations and respond like they think they should? I guess my thinking is that while football players are striking for better wages or whatever where is the person fighting for a pay raise increase for the person who bags your groceries? The person who stocks the store you buy from? And where are the employers fighting for the people that provide good customer service. When I was in the world of retail all I heard was that I needed to move with a "sense of urgency."

What the hell is so urgent about working at Pier 1, I ask you???

Yes, it's important to make the sale. Without the sale you cannot help the company. If you cannot help the company than there is no reason for you to be there. That's the fundamentals of business. HOWEVER, running around as if your life depended on it seems like a bit of a large leap. My life does not depend on pacing the store and helping the lack of customers. My life with not end if I'm missing a candle from the wall. Will I notice the candle and replace it? Most likely. But I'm not going to act like a woman on a mission to do so. My priority is to the customer. No one could or ever will deny that I have a way with customers. But I believe a job is something you do, not the definition of who you are.

Besides, there's no sense of company loyalty anymore on either side of the line. Employers know the simple bottom line: no matter what you do, someone else can and will do it cheaper. It's sad, cynical, and true. And employees know the reverse is true. No matter what you do, your company sees you as a number and will treat you like it. This is true in big corporations and in mom and pop stores. It all comes down to the paycheck and the pocketbook. Sure, they want the keep good employees around, but they do the least amount of work possible to do that for the sake of the pocketbook and in these times when people are desperate for jobs, they tolerate less than standard treatment for the sake of the paycheck.

It used to be people took pride in their jobs. It used to be people had a reason to take pride in their work performance. It used to be bosses worked just as hard as the employees and recognized those that excelled for the asset they were and rewarded them for it. Those kind of rewards created company loyalty. Walt Disney is a perfect example. His standards for customer service were (and still are) some of the best in the business and are still enforced very rigidly. And it used to be that the benefits reflected his appreciation for this kind of service. He wanted to create an atmosphere, stage an experience, and he rewarded the people who helped him create that vision.

Having Disney experience on your resume used to have weight to it because Walt's rules and employees were well known to be among the best. Especially the people who put a face out there for people to see. If you could hang at D-land, you were thought to be able to be able to hang anywhere. I wish this attitude of expectation and reward was a spread a little wider. If the whole supply industry got back into the business of making the customer happy and the employees were rewarded accordingly, wouldn't the economy be better off all over?

Day 18 - 347 Days to Go

What's the deal with this pop life?

And when's it gonna fade out?

Ok, well, actually, that's a lyric from N*Sync's song "Pop". Remember them? Anyone young in the late 1990's/early 2000's does, I'm sure. But it seemed like an appropriate opening since I want to talk about pop music today. Specifically, boy bands and their music.

I grew up in the era of pop machine boy bands. As formulaic in composition as their catchy songs, you couldn’t go anywhere without hearing one of them on the radio: The Backstreet Boys (ironic because they were a bunch of suburban white boys), N*sync, 98 degrees, etc etc. Even though I was never a big fan of the boy band gimmick, I could not help but become familiar with their music.

Each of the bands was the same, had the same ingredients. They had the young and cute front man (ala Nick Lachey and Justin Timberlake). They had the bad boy with the heart of gold. The goofball. And their music was all catchy pop tunes and ballads. This was the mold that made millions and no one broke it. Hell, I can respect it because it’s more money than I’ve ever made!

Now we have more pop princes following the same molds but now mostly solo (thanks American Idol). My problem is the music. In every “Give me a chance/Come back to me” song I’ve ever heard, the main singer (the supposed hero) sounds so damned entitled as if he deserves this woman he wants without any merit, work, or understanding.

Case in point "I'll never break your heart" by none other than the Backstreet Boys.
Lyrics in question:

"Baby I know your hurting
Right now you feel like you could never love again
Now all I ask is for a chance
To prove that I love you"

"Ooh when I asked you out
You said no but I found out
Darling that you'd been hurt
You felt that you'd never love again
I deserve a try honey just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in you were so quick to judge
But honey he's nothing like me"

To me this screams of a woman fresh out of a bad relationship that's scared to get back into the game. All I see is some guy she doesn't even know that well convinced he's in love with her and demanding she set her own feelings aside to concede to his. Not only is it selfish but it just sounds so damn entitled that I think I switched the radio off every time this song came on. Perhaps the "hero" has good intentions. Perhaps he really loves her. Whatever. If he respected her and loved her, he'd deal with the fact that she needs space and time and wait to be on her schedule and not the other way around.

Newer case in point: Elliot Yamin "Wait for you."
Lyrics in Question:
"Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance"

"So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be"

Not even sure where to begin with this one. It's condescending and mean at the same time. Pride is defined as "unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins)" so basically he's saying she left him, didn't give him a chance because she's too full of herself and is somehow threatened by him or his presence? Like, really? Hell, if he talked like that around me or to me I'd leave his ass, too, and try to resist the urge to kick it first. Again with the feeling of entitlement. It's not about the place the woman is at in her life and in her heart, it's about their wounded ego and their desires.

Day 17 - 348 To Go

Autism is the new ADD

I don't mean this in any sort of degrading, harsh, negative, or ignorant way so don't kill me before I explain what I mean.

I understand that autism is a legitimate condition and can affect social and mental behavior well into adulthood with some afflicted people never fully able to function on their own. I get that. I also understand that parenting a child afflicted with autism must be a grand adventure in patience.

I also believe it happens to be the new trend in childhood illness.

I've been looking through the Autism Research Institute's website, as well as the Autism Awareness website and have found that cases of autism are up 57 percent on average with some areas reporting a 95 percent increase in the last 5 years. According to CNN.com Autism is affecting 1 in 150 children.

When I was young, the childhood illness of choice was ADD. It's been said that a lot of cases of ADD when I was a child were misdiagnosed autism sufferers. Perhaps. What I know is that the doctor said I was a case of ADD and wanted to put me on Ritalin. Thankfully my mother told him that was not an option and he told her to put me on a sugar limited diet.

What I know is that I do not suffer from ADD or ADHD or autism. I do not have trouble focusing when I need to. My problem was hyperactivity and boredom. Whenever I got a report card I'd have all A's but the consistent comment that I was working below my ability. It was probably true, but illogical as my mother pointed out. She'd ask my teacher if I could earn higher than an A. When told that I couldn't she asked why I would work harder for the same result. Why, indeed? That's when my teachers started putting me in higher classes and teaching me higher curriculum. I was in the challenge program in South Carolina for gifted children from the third grade onward. http://www.greenville.k12.sc.us/gcsd/depts/tandl/gifted.asp

And, on a tangent, I appreciate being in South Carolina schools from the second to sixth grade. Their 6 point scale made it harder to get that A. (I was on the honor roll the whole time) When I came back to California, I don't think the teachers knew what to do with me. In many cases I was making my own curriculum and I failed to understand why their grading scale was so lax, a full ten points between grades. Thankfully I had understanding teachers. However, this is when my grades started to slip. I was bored and getting lazy. They wanted me to show my work on problems I already knew how to solve. They were still quizzing me on basic multiplication in the seventh grade in California. I learned my times tables in the second grade in SC. At a certain point, I stopped caring. But back to the point.

There was nothing wrong with me when my mother took me to the doctor. I was hyperactive, sure, but name a six year old that isn't. The doctor recommended a steady diet of Ritalin because it was better for him to do so, not because it was better for me and I'm sure I was not the only one. The more people I talk to that are my age or a little older/younger the more I find my story isn't the only one. Lots of people I knew were "diagnosed" with ADD despite having just hyperactivity as the indication.

When schools allowed punishment of a physical kind, I doubt that many children acted out of line. I think the general hands off approach of modern parenting (in the most part) has led to the deterioration of child behavior. This could be leading to the widespread outbreak of autism, the need for parents to blame something other than themselves for the lack of parenting. Instead of seeing a child with bad behavior from lack of supervision a parent can pass it off as a disease. "It's not my fault that he colored on the wall. He's autistic." And apparently that gives you the green light to skip being a parent.

I see it everyday. Children run wild and their parents just stand there, going about their business as if there is nothing to be concerned about. Why would they when televisions and video games are there to babysit? I've even heard a parent say that she didn't feel the need to teach her child how to behave since that's what school was for. To me, in their situation, even if my child was autistic, I'd be right there supporting, nurturing, and setting limits like I would for any other child.

It used to be that families provided the morals and schools provided the knowledge. Now I'm not so sure what the foundation consists of.

Now that the major US medical authorities have linked mercury in vaccinations to autism, the time is up for change. Doctors will have to find a new disease of the generation to diagnose and get that needed lifetime prescription refilled. It even being widely suggested and confirmed by many parents that autistic children can "recover" from the disease and show no visible symptoms. It's gotta give people hope, right? Recovery is possible and widespread. So if there are no excuses left does that mean parents will pull their heads out of their asses and be parents??

My apologies to people who believe in parenting. God bless you and your integrity. Continue on your yellow brick road!

Day 16 - 349 Days to Go

Geeks Rule The World.

I've found two things of interest to me today. The first is the title "Lies of Handsome Men" Before today I had never been aware of such a title actually existing but it sounds like the sort of thing I'd be interested in hearing/reading. I'm of the opinion that lies are easier to believe when told from a beautiful disguise.

By the way, The Corrs are on the radio right now with "Breathless." How old school is that?

Now back to your regularly scheduled rant.

I've fallen for a few of those beautiful lies, myself. I think in "Pretty Woman" Julia Roberts explained, "the bad stuff is easier to believe." and I think it's true. We are conditioned to think the worst of ourselves for whatever inward or outward flaw that makes us human. If we have a little extra padding than the average waif we are made to believe we are fat and undesirable even though popular opinion has told us men like a like meat on the bones. If we like things that are somewhat unusual, like roleplaying, scifi, or reading, we're geeks. Whatever it is that makes us stand out is turned into a negative by the mysterious "they." This has to be stopped.

Which leads me to the second thing I discovered today. A blog entitled "Confessions of a Reforming Geek." While I enjoyed the little I read, I had to wonder why the Geek felt the need to be reformed? I'm not of the understanding that being a geek is a social illness in need of reform. I like being a geek, myself. I'm even proud of my geekdom.

So with pride I say to you I am a D&D playing, video game loving, reading, writing, singing, dancing, movie quoting geek!

Day 15 - 350 to go

Good times and Bad Times

I'm listening to Harland Williams standup after having a fun night of hell. As my friend commented to me earlier, I'm going cold. I'm letting myself go there. At least the standup is making me happier.

So I think I need to do something to calm me down. There's beer in the house but I really don't like the taste.

As I went through a bunch of blogs last night, trying to see what's out there and I found that by and large they are all preachy. Most of them preach about God or family. since I have no family of my own and I don't really feel the need to preach about God, I guess I don't fall into either category. It's not that I don't believe in God, I just think that it's something best left to be spoken about in person. Lip service faith bothers me.

I'm hoping things will look better tomorrow.

Today was a 2.

Day 14 - 361 to Go

I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray

I can remember the exact moment I started hating bananas and it had nothing to do with how they taste or the texture. I was in the fourth or fifth grade. I took bagged lunches to school in those days usually consisting of a sandwich, crackers, fruit, and I'd buy milk at school.

One morning, it was gray and drizzling outside. I had a rare treat in my lunch, a Debbie cake. I was carrying my lunch to the side entrance of the school, waiting for the first bell. I looked through my paper sack, looking eagerly at the oatmeal cookie thing and resisting the temptation to eat it right then and there. I remember looking at my banana and thinking "Why do I need you?"

So I threw it into the grass and hopped into the building to start my school day. I thought nothing of it until I got back home that afternoon and my Aunt asked me about my day. I don't know how she knew but she asked about my lunch. Long story short she found out about my lost banana.

I told her the truth right away. I thought she'd be mad, yell a little or something but she calmly sat me down. She told me a story about the banana I threw away and how it had waited to be eaten and used for energy by a little girl that needed it and how excited it was until it was tossed in the grass. The moment my eyes started to tear over I knew I'd never eat a banana again. She'd humanized it for me, giving it a life and consciousness. But I felt bad for "Mr. Banana" and the very next day the first thing I did was run to the side of the school and look for my discarded fruit. I'm sure the janitor had picked it up the night before sometime but all the same I felt so ashamed for having wasted the banana's usefullness.

Now that I'm older, I know better than to think that a banana has a sentience but I can't stomach the idea of eating one anymore. I still enjoy the taste of them in, say, banana bread, but I cannot actually hold a banana and eat it all because of a casual choice in my childhood.

It's weird the random circumstances that shape our perception.

Day 13 - 362 To Go

Sorry For Yesterday

But there just wasn't any time. I went to Bumbershoot and fell into bed at midnight. I could barely move, let alone think enough to type. My hips are still sore from all the dancing I did. Ozomatli is the best show I've ever seen.

Still, in other areas, yesterday was a 4.

Day 12 - 363 Day To Go

Roleplay Nazi and Free Thinking Hippy

Ok, so I'm both.

In my inner circle of friends, the ones who have seen me roleplay and have been fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to play with me (both online and tabletop) know that I am borderline fanatical about character and storyline. With online roleplay I'm fanatical about grammar and punctuation. I realize that accidents and typos happen but if you can't manage to hit spell check or proof your posts, I can't be bothered.

I'm also pretty hardcore about post length. I don't expect everyone to be me. I'm a writer first and roleplayer second. Even I get writer's block occasionally. However, if you can't give me something to work with, I can't give you anything and the cycle perpetuates itself.

My boyfriend likes to laugh at me since this is only one of two areas where I show any signs of my family OCD condition. While my mother and sister are germaphobes (something I have a healthy dislike for but not to the point of actual compulsion) I skipped the rampant perfectionism they have. Mostly...

I think it all stems from my firm belief that the English language is getting raped by text speak and internet abbreviation. I'll use LOL, trust me, but the art of actual conversation is falling by the wayside to anyone but verbose literary types and executives trying to sound important. I've tried to start the "Bring Back The Art of Conversation" Campaign. It's slow starting. But the Facebook group is up now. Maybe more people will join the revolution! Viva la revolution!

So now onto the free thinking hippy in me. Last night I had a nice conversation with a friend of my boyfriend's where we discussed unethical business practices and the two party system. If it were up to me, we'd banish corporate & private agenda funding for campaigns and the whole party system altogether. I think it's ridiculous that people mindlessly support an idea instead of listening to an individual and making a decision. If everyone just expressed their beliefs without putting a party stamp on it, I think we'd find more honest politicians and perhaps the honesty can return to politics.

I'm a tree hugger and I'm proud. I promote the environment. And I'm a Nazi. Not a real one, just an English or "post" Nazi.

Is it sad that Seinfeld put Nazi into our language for use without anyone getting offended? I mean, the soup Nazi was comic relief. Now I use the word Nazi and think of that and not what it originally was...hmmm

Day 11 - 354 Days to Go

Today's Addendum

Tonight was a nice night. I'd give today a 10.

Good friends, good company, and good conversation. Priceless.

Another Day, Another Dollar

I never wanted to be one of those people that chases the almighty dollar. I think a barter society would be one of those quaint ideals. In a perfect world we'd get by bartering for what we need. I think money was created as a placeholder, in place of goods, and it grew into this thing. Money is just cotton and coin, has no real value but what we place on it. A dollar, for example, can't feed you like a chicken could. It can't lay eggs or continue the cycle of life providing continued value over time. Between the two, I'd much rather have a chicken. A little feed, some yard space, and I have a continued food source for quite a while. Instead I go to the grocery store, support substandard and cruel practices and I buy a dozen eggs with several dollars.

Sure, I buy cage free and byproduct free eggs, the kind that cost twice the price for just having the right to live outside of tiny cages. I understand the need to eat meat. I understand the demand is great. I'm not against eating meat or meat products like eggs. I'm not against wearing leather. I am against hunting for fur...that's kinda wrong if it's only for decoration. If it's for survival, I think that's ok but this is neither here nor there. What I am against is hunting for sport and wasting most of the kill (IE keeping the heads as trophies and dumping the carcass) and I'm against inhumane conditions. The animal is doomed to die anyway, the least you can do is make sure it has a nice short life. I wonder if people in the industry ever lose any sleep?

I've been at my job for over a year by now and I love it. I make a decent amount of money, enough to live on. There are times when I wish for more but who doesn't? I'm luckier than most to have a boss I adore and a secure job in really crappy economical times. I'm better off than most even with my limited skill set. Well, limited in that I haven't graduated from college. I should start attending, I really should. I guess one of these days I need to convince myself I'm not terrified and start the process. It's only 4 years of my life and it isn't much to give up to help myself along into something I really want to do.

But there's the dilemma. There's nothing I really want to do. I considered being a sex therapist at one point. Linguist at another. Teacher for the longest time until I realized two things: how futile it would be and how screwed teachers get in the grand scheme of things.

There's still the dream of owning my own business. The ultimate gaming store. Or a miniature golf course. Of course, a mini golf course in the Northwest where it rains a lot of the time probably won't be lucrative unless it's indoor. I can do that but it would take away from my idea, I think...Maybe I'll look into a few concepts to see if it's a feasible idea. I'm thinking this place would have to be warehouse size with amazing ventilation. And no windows. Definitely no windows.

Well, back to the grind and then dinner to make.

Day 10 - 355 Days to Go

Comings and Goings

Today was the first of the month at work. Generally a busy day. I had a lot of person stuff going on and considered calling in sick. Considering my boss has walking pneumonia, I thought that maybe that wasn't a good idea after all. Tomorrow doesn't promise to be any less hectic.

On a personal front, I spent today convincing my boyfriend that he needs to work on our relationship because things don't generally just fall into place because you want them to. After a lot of tears, phenomenal make up sex, and a little food, I spent the evening watching old Buffy reruns. We're on Season 7. He's hooked. Maybe we'll watch Angel next.

I have Bumbershoot and Ozomatli to see on Saturday. I'll get to see my B friend which will be nice. I've missed him all the way down in California.

It's 2:30 in the morning and I should consider sleep.

Day 9 - 356 Days to go.

Also, overall, today was a 3